FOOD: Nasty

NASTY
by E. Fritzius

Note: This is the recipe that started the whole page. It was originally an English Comp assignment on writing a procedure, which I wrote based on what would become the signature dish in my college recipe repertoire. This recipe actually evolved over the course of five years, with sometimes fewer and sometimes more ingredients, until it finally reached Nirvana. Its name is, of course, taken from the typical verbal reaction people have when they hear what's in it. It is actually the best "college" dish I've ever tasted, when prepared properly.

Further Note: When the ingredient reads "Make No Substitutions" then none should you make. I have tried this recipe with generic brands of some of the listed ingredients and it has always turned out abominably.

INGREDIENTS:

1 box of "Kraft Noodle Classics Savory Chicken" (or whatever they call it this week. It's been called "Kraft Egg Noodle Dinner: Chicken" and "Kraft Egg Noodle Chicken Dinner." It's marketed in a narrow brown box. Make no substitutions.)
1 box of Rice-a-Roni Broccoli Rice Au Graten. (Rice-a- Roni offers 6.5 ounces of broccoli rice product for about $1.35. Most competing brands offer only 5 ounces and cost more. Comparison shop if you will, but I know of what I speak because my friend Joe's mom is a home-economist.)
1 can of Sirloin Burger Chunky Soup.(Make no substitutions, unless you want it to taste like ass.)
1 can of black olives, pitted.
1 package of sliced fresh mushrooms, (or use canned if you want.)
1 wad* of butter or margarine.
Some water
1 bag of Doritos, your choice of flavor (optional, but if you do use em, for the love of God don't use Dorito knock-offs.)

(Note: * a WAD is the equivalent of three tablespoons.)

PROCEDURE:

Combine all of the ingredients, including the contents of the chickeny sauce-dust packet and the cheesey broccoli-dust packet, in a big- assed microwave safe bowl. Under no circumstances are you to read the individual directions on the packages. They don't know what they're talking about. Only listen to me.

Next add water from the tap until the mixture is completely covered by at least half an inch. (I honestly have no idea how much water goes into it since I have the mutant ability to guestimate the correct amount sans measuring cup.)

Stir until the contents are completely wet and thoroughly mixed together. At this point it will look like a vomitous mass in a sickly broth. Fear not. Nasty looks incredibly unappetizing up until the last five minutes of cooking when a miracle will occur and it will suddenly become "nummy".

Microwave on high for approximately fifteen minutes stirring well every five minutes or so. It sometimes takes a while for the water to be absorbed and your total cooking time may run close to 20 minutes. If the noodles and rice don't look done after absorbing all of the water you added this is an indication that you screwed up and need to add more water.

When finished the noodles and rice should be completely cooked and the whole thing should look like a big casserole noodle/rice dish.

Once you've put some into a bowl, I recommend adding nacho- cheese Doritos. But then, I'm weird, so you may want to experiment with your own choice of chip.

Be warned, this stuff sits on you like Marlon Brando and is probably not the least artery-cloggin' substance you could consume. But the upside is, it's darn good and contains nutrients.