YOUR HANDY GUIDE TO PROPER INTERACTION,
OR THE LACK THEREOF, WITH JOE "DAMN" EVANS

(Selections from Volume 1. Version 3.0)

Rule #1: Never speak while in the presence of Joe.

This is, perhaps, the rule most often violated. Its importance is, however, stressed due to the fact that one of Joe's many mutant abilities is to take any general statement and interpret into a less than subtle sexual innuendo. When this happens, his right eye will glow briefly, signaling the use of his mutant power. It is thus both preferable and wise to simply cease speaking in the presence of Joe rather than provide inevitable bait. If speech in the presence of Joe becomes a necessity, it is advisable to preface each sentence with one of several conditioned phrases.  (Examples: "Hey, Joe!", "Now Joe, you know...", "Well you gotta admit...", "I'm done".) Upon hearing the conditioned phrase, Joe will cease to listen to the rest of your sentence and thus spare you from his mutant ability.

Rule #2: Never touch Joe.

Keep hands and feet away at all times. Touching Joe just encourages him to new levels of perversion. He is likely to act as though your touch is the single-most awe-inspiring event that has happened to him in his life thus far and will indicate this through a series of loud moans that are quite impossible for passers-by to ignore. There is also the chance that he will perceive your touch as reason enough to body slam you into the ground. This is neither painless nor advisable. The only time it is acceptable to touch Joe is if he is about to fall from a great height and you are attempting to prevent this by lifting him over the edge of the roof. If this is the case you will have another set of physical laws to worry about entirely.

Rule #3: Never allow Joe within fifteen feet of anything.

Another of Joe's well-documented mutant abilities is the infamous Joe Factor. This manifests itself as a field, fifteen feet in radius from Joe himself, in which normally stable objects are likely to spill, explode, combust, spoil, fall apart, spill, receive nerve damage, spill, break, spill or begin speaking in tongues. The field's effect also extends to those within its radius and in fact causes them to act as beacons. It has been observed that individuals bearing orange soda are especially sensitive to manipulation by the Joe Factor and will be unable to prevent themselves from violently spilling said soda if they are within fifteen feet of Joe. Most theoreticians in Joe Physics recommend storing him in a pocket dimension when not in use.

Rule #3B: Never even think about the Joe Factor.

It knows when you're thinking bad thoughts about it. So don't even think about it.

Rule #3C: Never allow anyone within fifteen feet of Joe.

Joe has hundreds of old friends and acquaintances. They are sprinkled throughout every populated area in the known world and are quite often kept under surveillance by a plethora of international intelligence agencies. It is thus highly unwise to allow anyone within fifteen feet of Joe. This is not only due to the dangerous nature of the Joe Factor but also to the high-likelihood that they are old friends of Joe's, in which case a multi-hour catch-up/gossip-fest will inevitably ensue, resulting in total mind-numbing boredom for anyone accompanying him. See: Rule #7.

Rule #4: Never give Banana Runts to Joe!

Banana Runts are little yellow candies that contain within their hardened, chitin-like shells a substance called phoxpholedum dextrose. This chemical, when ingested by Joe, will increase the Joe Factor by a power of no less than two. It should also be pointed out that even though Banana Runts are unholy and foul, Joe himself is powerless to resist eating them by the handful. Due to numerous Federal laws mandating the levels of minimal structural integrity that both public and private buildings are required to have, Joe should not be allowed access to Banana Runts.

Rule #5: Never recite song lyrics in the presence of Joe.

Joe is a music major. His mind is attuned to music. It is constantly searching for something to apply this music to. If Joe's mind perceives that song lyrics are being spoken in his presence it will instinctively cause Joe to begin singing the song from which the lyrics originate. This can go on for an extended period of time and can involve standing on tables with a stalk of broccoli as a microphone. This is inadvisable in the extreme. If full lyrics are unknown to Joe he will likely default into the Love Boat Theme Song, which is infinitely worse than whatever it was he was singing in the first place. Possible solutions to this problem include reciting lyrics from so-called musical bands such as Sonic Youth, Nine Inch Nails and Hole. Joe is unable to tolerate these groups and will likely be distracted enough that you can slip in any actual lyrics you wish. (See Rule #5 B & C and 29D.)

Rule #5B: Never recite quotations in the presence of Joe.

See Rule #1.

Rule #5C: Never hum song tunes in the presence of Joe.

See Rule #5.

Rule #6: Never give Joe a quarter.

It is a well-documented fact that Joe is a video game addict. He has often been found playing video games for several hours at a stretch. He will, therefore, be incapable of resisting the urge to play a video game should the opportunity present itself. Most current research suggests that the only condition capable of limiting his addiction is the complete lack of a quarter--the monetary unit common to all video games in the United States, (See Appendix 19D for foreign currency conversion tables). It is therefore frightfully important to restrict Joe's access to a quarter at all costs. The following actions are thus prohibited: a) giving Joe a quarter; b) physically removing a quarter from your pocket in the presence of Joe; c) admitting to the possession of a quarter in the presence of Joe; d) merely mentioning quarters in common conversation with Joe (See Rule #1); and e) visiting shopping malls with Joe. (See Rule #6b.)

Rule #6B Never visit a shopping mall/center with Joe.

(See Rule #7!!!) The visitation of a shopping mall with Joe is advisable under only two conditions: a) if you have a great love for standing around a smelly, snot-nosed-child-infested video arcade while waiting for Joe to hurry the hell up and finish feeding his addiction to $@#%ing video games so that you can go home with the purchases you made while he was busy playing the aforementioned games; or b) if you are likewise addicted. The same can be said of most discount shopping centers, such as the infamous Wal-Mart, as they too have a tendency toward the presence of popular video-games.

Rule #7: Never go anywhere with Joe.

It is a foolhardy person indeed who accepts a ride from Joe. Besides the logistics involving the Joe Factor, life and limb, and certain speed limit laws, one especially overwhelming reason is that you'll most likely have to rely on him to return you to your original place of departure. This can be excruciatingly painful if his and your current interests are not in sync. (See Rules #3 & #8.)

Rule #8: Never have sex with Joe.

It is a foolhardy person indeed who accepts a ride from Joe. Besides the logistics involving the Joe Factor, life and limb, and certain speed limit laws, one especially overwhelming reason is that you'll most likely have to rely on him to return you to your original place of departure. This can be excruciatingly painful if his and your current interests are not in sync. While there is evidence to suggest that sex with Joe is the single-most extraordinary experience a person could have, (See "Fat Bastard: The Autobiography of Joe C. Evans" chapters 2, 3, 5, and 12) to actually engage in such an act would be a severe violation of Rules #2, #3 and possibly #6.

Rule #9: Never pander to Joe's ego by writing rule lists about him.

Uh, .....Oh.

Rule #10: Never try to find Joe.

Despite the dangers inherent, there are times when it becomes necessary to have Joe around. However, it has been determined beyond the possibility of doubt that the task of actually finding Joe via any kind of search is an impossible one. Do not even try. It can only lead to madness and thinning hair. This fact cannot be stressed enough. Do not dwell on it. You cannot find him. It cannot be done. You must stop trying. And under no circumstances are you to try to find Joe by calling his friends. This will not only be unsuccessful, but will anger his friends beyond the realm of comprehension. Once you have truly stopped trying to find Joe, there is a chance that the universe will take notice and Joe may miraculously find you. This is an extraordinarily iffy prospect, however.

Rule #11 Never order fast food before Joe does.

It is a known fact that dining with Joe is incredibly dangerous. (See Rules #1, #4, #7, #8, & #10.) This danger is heightened when dining with Joe in a fast food restaurant. Joe is a mind-bogglingly indecisive person. When visiting a fast food restaurant, Joe will always request that you order your meal first in order to allow him further time to decide upon his own meal choice. Subconsciously, however, this request is to allow him time to analyze the menu and determine what alteration of listed food items will cause the most unnecessary confusion for the kitchen staff. This is often achieved by ordering his meal minus tomatoes and onions, or by simply ordering a fish sandwich. Once his decision is made, a minimum of 10 minutes will pass before his order is actually ready. You will have had plenty of time to consume your meal in its entirety, insuring that the co-dining experience is an unbalanced one.

Rule #12 Never marry Joe.

Rule #13 Never watch "Meet The Feebles."

This rule actually has very little to do with Joe. It is simply a good life rule to follow. "Meet The Feebles," in a nutshell, is an X-rated version of the Muppet Show directed by Peter "Lord of the Rings" Jackson. While I hesitate to admit that it is funny, it is also quite possibly the most mind-bogglingly vile and offensive film ever created, and intentionally so.  People who have seen this film will willingly sign sworn affidavits to this effect, and have often done so. They will also state to you, in no uncertain terms, that after seeing this film they no longer have the capacity to be happy. They will invariably, beg and plead with you not to rent this film under any set of circumstances. For some yet to be explained reason, these warnings go almost universally unheeded and hundreds of lives have been left in ruin as a result. The most compelling argument for not renting "Meet the Feebles" is that even Joe has refused to watch it. That alone should tell you something.

Problem: Joe is singing a Sonic Youth song at full voice.

Possible Cause 2: Joe has gone insane as a result of consuming Banana Runts.
Suggestion 2: Run like hell.

Problem: Someone is attempting to drink orange soda in the presence of Joe.

Problem: Joe has asked you for a quarter.

Possible Cause 2: Joe claims to already have one quarter and requests another to buy a soft drink.
Suggestion 2: Don't give it to him. As we all know, soft drink machines on the campus of MSU are set at $.55 per drink. Joe has probably seen a video game requiring two quarters.

Problem: While trying to kill the alien facsimile of Joe, a nearby glass of orange soda spontaneously explodes.

Problem: Someone has intentionally dropped a handful of Banana Runts into a glass of orange soda.