MOB WAR!
by E. Fritzius 
& Joe "Damn" Evans

Note: This dish was taught to me by my good friend Joe as a way to successfully ingest those tiny, nasty, cheap-assed fifty-nine cent frozen pizzas that are eternally on special in most grocery stores. They are a gastrointerologist's screaming nightmare. What is more, they're bad. Not reisty, exactly, but still really, really foul.  The only way possible to consume them is to cook them with additional toppings of your own, thus drowning out the taste. The dish is called Mob War because no self-respecting Italian would dare eat one.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 nasty, cheap-assed, fifty-nine cent, on-special frozen pizza, your choice of pre-packaged fake processed food product topping.
• A whole bunch of additional and hopefully real toppings of your choice. 
• A food-service size bottle of Tums.

Add your choice of extra toppings to the nasty cheap-assed fifty-nine cent on-special frozen pizza.

Cook as per instructions on the nasty cheap-assed fifty-nine cent on-special frozen pizza box, or by whatever comes to mind.

When it has cooked, remove it from the oven and allow it a couple minutes cooling time. Then, fold the nasty, cheap-assed, fifty-nine cent, on-special, cooked frozen pizza in half like a taco, making sure some of your additional toppings spill out the sides and onto the floor.

Now you may consume it, if you dare.

© 1999 Mister Herman's Production Co., Ltd.