FOOD: Ricey Beany Non-Weenie

RICEY BEANY NON-WEENIE
by E. Fritzius

NOTE: This is one of my older recipes that I created back before I became a subscriber to the philosophy of low carb cooking. If you are also a low carb cooker, you may as well skip the hell out of this and go straight to Scrambled Egg Mess, cause this is nothing but empty carbs! Still, it's tasty and if, like me, you follow the Carbohydrate Addicts Diet then you can have this during your daily reward meal. If you're a fan of the Atkins diet, then you can just go eat a damn grapefruit or something.

INGREDIENTS:

Rice, however many cups you think you'll be able to eat.
1 can of Great Northern Beans, or buy em bagged and cook em yourself, I don't care.
1 can of tuna (dolphin free, you heartless bastard!)
2 tb of butter or margarine (or however many you want)
1/4 a box of crackers (preferably the cheesy saltine kind, and I'm not talking about Goldfish or Cheese-Nips, although those would probably be pretty good with this too, but the real true cheesy saltine crackers, that are sometimes hard to find in stores and cost around $2.50 a box most places, and why the hell is that anyway, I mean they're just crackers with some cheese thrown in, probably not even real cheese... how much overhead could they have? What, does everyone in the Premium Cracker Company have a mortgage they're trying to pay off? They buying boats by the fleet down there? Shit!)
Water

PROCEDURE:

Prepare the rice however you want. I recommend putting it, some butter and some water in a big-assed microwave safe bowl and nuking it until it's light and fluffy. Or, you can be a wuss and use boil-n-bag rice. This is a college dish, live on the edge! (I don't know why I'm being so belligerent here. I guess I'm still upset about the expensive crackers and the fact that you were gonna buy dolphin-full tuna! Or maybe it's cause I don't have any comforting carbohydrates coursing through my system! Mmmmm... carbohydrates... ohohohohohohoh.)

Once the rice has been thoroughly cooked, open your can of beans, pausing to laugh at your cat who has come into the kitchen on the assumption that you're opening something that it wants to eat.

Now drain the disgusting clear bean mucous from the can and into the sink, or onto the cat's head if you feel this to be necessary. Add as many beans as you are comfortable with eating into the rice. I have, on occasion, used the entire can.

Now open your can of tuna, pausing again to laugh at your cat who is now right on the money that it wants what you have, because cats crave the great taste of dolphin. Empty however much tuna you care to eat into the mixture. If you're feeling especially generous, you can leave some tuna around the sides of the can and give it to the cat who will be grateful and will reward you by not pissing on the carpet, as it had been planning to do later.

Now mix that mother up real good.

Eat it with 1/4 of a box of cheesy saltine crackers, if you can find them and if you can afford them. And remember, you don't have to eat the whole bowl in a sitting. When you're full, put it in the fridge and save some for later. It has a fridge-life of 1 day uncovered and 2 or 3 days covered. You can also restore the illusion of freshness by adding a little water to it and reheat it in the nuker.