FOOD: Scrambled Egg Mess

SCRAMBLED EGG MESS
by E. Fritzius

INGREDIENTS:

Eggs. Real eggs. None of that Egg-Beater crap. You can leave out the yolks, if you must. Use however many you'd usually want to put in an omlet. Probably two or three.
Filler stuff, like milk, green peppers, bacon, ham, onions, cheese, etc. The sort of stuff you'd usually put in an omlet were you capable of successfully making one in the first place.
Some butter/margarine/olive oil/whathaveyou.

PROCEDURE:

Like many other amateur chefs round the world, I dream of one day being able to cook a really good-looking omlet. You know, the sort of omlet that slides lovingly out of its skillet in one single beautiful piece, landing gently next to its parsley garnish, full of golden omlet goodness, all seasoned and ready for my consumption. These, however, are the omlets of myth and legend, seen only in brief glimpses on television programs about snobby, hoity-toity European chefs or cooking prodigies. So unless you're Emeril, from the Food Network, who can cook any damn thing he wants pefectly, or unless you've devoted decades of your life perfecting the Pagan Alchemical Process of great-omlet construction, you're pretty much SOL. For us mere mortals, standing groggily in our kitchens on a Saturday morning, such an omlet is a true impossibility. If we're lucky, we might make several marginally passible, okay-looking omlets in our lifetimes. And this goes double if you're cooking over a hotplate in your dorm room. The rest of the time, our omlets completely fail to come together in any way shape or form.

No one sets out to make a shitty omlet. We go in with the best of intentions. We crack our eggs and pray to the omlet gods that we'll be able to pull this off just once. Inevitably, though, the eggs stick to the pan and disintigrate at the slightest hint of an approaching spatuala.

Take heart, mere mortal, for there is a solution to this dilemma. True success, like true beauty, is completely in the eye of the beholder. To see the truth behind these words one has to look no further than to the ninth tennant of MENSA'S RULES OF THE DAMN GENIUS. It states simply:

"Rename failure to produce success."

We ain't playing pool with these eggs! There's no need to call our shots ahead of time. So, don't go into the kitchen and loudly announce "I'm going to make an omlet!" Instead, you just silently go in there and try to make your little omlet, then, after you completely fudge it up, do what Bill Gates does and rename the project to produce a successful plate of "Scrambled Egg Mess."

Scrambled Egg Mess can be completely unappealing to view. As long as eggs are involved and they're reasonably scrambled and messy-looking, you've succeeded. Any on-lookers watching you cook will marvel at your ability and give you lots of presents.