SPANKY'S STANKY SAUSAGE DIP
by E. Fritzius

NOTE: This recipe was originally created by a former college roommate of mine, who I shall refer to by his nickname of "Spanky" so as not to embarrass him. (You see, John was given the nickname of Spanky because when he was much younger he looked exactly like Spanky from the Our Gang / Little Rascals shorts. Then, around 1992 or so, John ceased to look anything like the original Spanky due to a sudden and as yet unexplained drop in body weight and severe reduction in hair-count. His weight loss is made even more inexplicable by the fact that he has continued to eat fatty dishes such as this one. We think he has a tape worm.)

FURTHER NOTE: This dish has been made to exact specifications only twice. The reason for this is that following the recipe exactly tends to eventually drive all inhabitants out of the particular dwelling or domicile in which the dish is prepared. So, perhaps there will be a few steps you can leave out for purposes of politeness.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 or 2 blocks of Velveeta, or similar pasturized processed cheese food product. Get however many blocks would constitute far too many for the intended purpose.
• 1 or 2 or 3 packages of unpattied pork sausage, (see above.)
• 1, etc, cans of rotel tomatos.
• 1, yada yada yada, bag of corn chips.
• 1 crock pot, with lid. (You'll probably only need one of these, unless you're really daring.)
• 1 party or gathering worthy of this dish.
• 1 group of roommates who aren't known for laying a beat down on lazy ass people who don't hold up their share kitchen cleaning duties.

 

When the day in question arrives, break out the ol' crock pot and fire it up to the proper temperature for cheese meltin. Take your Velveeta, or similar pasturized processed cheese food product, and cut it into easily meltable cubes, then dump said cubes into the pot. If you wish to add the can of rotel tomatoes and/or chilis to the mixture now, feel free. Spanky usually waited until the pasturized processed cheese food product had fully melted before adding his. 

Next, heat the sausage in a separate pan until it is fully cooked and tasty-smellin.  Enjoy the smell while you can.  Add it to the mixture. Now it is time for your pot to crock a bit until your party can begin. Once the party is under way, your cheesy sausage dip should be ready for consumption and, as should be further noted, will not be at all stanky in any kind of offensive manner. In fact, it will probably smell and taste pretty darn good. You'll probably be congratulated by your party-goers for creating such a fabulous sausage dip. You may also receive "the stink eye" from your roommates, especially if this is the second year in a row you've made this recipe. Why? Allow me to explain...

Because you've followed the directions and made far too much dip in the first place, you'll have plenty left over after the party. And because your roommates probably over-consumed their share of the dip in the first place, and the mass quantities of sausage and cheese have put the schmack down on their gastrointestinal tracts, they'll probably not want to eat any more of it and will leave the crock pot be. It's at this point that you must completely slack off on your post party cleaning duties and fail to clean out the crock pot. Just put the lid on it and walk away. Preferably far away, like to your girlfriend's house for the next six months. And if you must come home at all, be sure to do so at odd hours, like noon, when your roommates are all still asleep. None of your roommates will clean the crock pot because that was your job and they're too busy fighting turf wars over who's eating who's bread and why no one can find it in their heart to fill an ice tray.

Meanwhile, within the crock pot, activity will be bustling. Soon after the crock pot was originally turned off, the pasturized processed cheese food product began to solidify into a rubber-like, sausage encrusted substance that would have been damn hard to clean anyway. Shortly thereafter, microbes and bacteria start breakin' down the pasturized processed cheese food product. This, ladies and gentlemen, produces a most serious stank--one which may cause you to pray for death, or at least a can of Glade. The roommates weren't gonna clean it before the stench, and now they'll certainly not clean it because lifting the lid means releasing the stank. Of course, they won't necessarily know how bad the stank is until one of them bravely lifts the lid, in the hope of catching a glimpse of the ungodly mess you're supposedly going to have to clean. One whiff of the stank within and they may very well move out within the hour. While this may be a useful way of getting rid of roommates, it is also a good way to drive up your share of the rent, so the prospect is not without risk.

Around this time, your roommates will start leaving notes for you, explaining that they can't get chicks to come over because of the stench, and threatening you with vile torture if you don't clean the crock. Whatever you do, don't touch these notes, for they have been carefully placed and measured so your roommates will be able to tell if you moved it and therefore probably read it. Don't give them any indication that you've read the notes. You don't have to respond if you "didn't see the note." Calls to your girlfriend's house should be treated likewise. Just screen them with an answering machine and if confronted about the all the messages left for you say that the machine ate the tape or your girlfriend forgot to tell you, or tell em you broke up with her and she's pissed about the messages piling up in her machine. If one of your roommates actually manages to physically track you down and confront you about the crock pot, tell him that you'll take care of it, then proceed to avoid the house altogether.

Usually after 6 months or so, the stank problem will go away on its own. Not, mind you, because one of your roommates finally broke down and cleaned the crock pot, and certainly not due to any effort on your part, but because by then the microbes will have entirely consumed the rotting cheese and sausage and  the crock pot will be left nearly as clean as if someone had washed it. You can then return to the house and live semi-blissfully for either the remaining 6 months until your next birthday, or until the next house party, whichever comes first.
 

© 2000 Mister Herman's Production Co., Ltd.