GARLIC FRIED TUNA
By Svengali G. Willikers

NOTE: Having lived in the South for so long, I've learned that people here will fry anything that can be stunned long enough to be dipped in batter and tossed into a kettle of sizzling oil. Having cooked for myself for the majority of my school career, I've found out that garlic makes anything taste better. Or at least makes it taste like garlic, which is better than what it would taste like otherwise. Having no damn money, I've discovered that ofttimes the only type of animal protein I can afford (that doesn't come in powder form with a brick of noodle matter) is canned tuna. So why has it taken so long to come up with this dish? Beats me...

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 6oz can of tuna
• 1 cup flour
• 1 1/2 cups oil
• 1 assload of garlic powder

First, disconnect your smoke alarm. Trust me. You're going to be filling the air with aerosolized grease and smoke pretty soon, so save yourself a couple of minutes of blind panic and just disconnect it now.

Next, dump the oil in a pan, and start to sizzlin'. Take a big whiff...mmmmmm, gas-phase polycyclic aromatics, my favorite carcinogen.

Okay, let's talk tuna. Debate all you want about light vs. white, oil-packed vs. water. You're frying, so the health aspects don't matter. What does matter is that light tuna has a stronger tuna taste than white tuna, and while that's a questionable quality in a girlfriend, it's useful here in case you want to taste something besides garlic and batter.

By the time you've finished reading the above paragraph, the oil should be nice and hot. Dip the cat in to check. Just kidding...
Anyway, mix the flour with about 2 tbsp of garlic powder. Open your tuna, drain off the excess fluid, then dump the meat into the flour/ garlic hybrid and coat thoroughly. Dump a little garlic powder into the oil, while you're at it.

Next, toss your tuna into the oil. Sizzle sizzle sizzle. Use a spatula to ensure that all the pieces get coated and fried. To prevent nasty burns from oil spatters, get a loved one to use a spatula, etc. etc. etc. Leave in 2-3 minutes, tops.

Remove fried fish chunks from the pan and place on a paper towel to drain off excess oil. If there's any oil left in the pan, you can cut up a potato and make Impromptu Garlic Fried Tater Chunks.

Serves 1-2, and provides the USRDA of crunchy brown stuff. Don't forget to air out your place, then reconnect the smoke alarm.
 

--sven