FOOD: The Creeping Terror

The Creeping Terror
by E. Fritzius

NOTE: This dish was created in a fit of greed specifically for the purpose of warding off some especially moochy roommates. It is guaranteed to keep unwanted mooches away or at least to scare the hell out of them. And though it looks horrific, it is actually quite good. Spinach lovers will be especially taken with it.

INGREDIENTS:

1 box of Hamburger Helper Beefy Noodle
1 can of spinach
Some butter/margarine
Your choice of snack chip (I recommend Doritos)
Water

PROCEDURE:

First of all, if your roommates are home, you're going to need the proper atmosphere to prepare this dish. Put on a copy of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper" and repeatedly play it throughout the cooking process, snickering evilly to yourself on occasion. This will cause your roommates to rightfully question your good intentions. If they're culturally literate, it may be helpful to wear a framed photograph of Jim Jones around your neck.

Next, ignore the directions on the box of Hamburger Helper Beefy Noodle. The Hamburger Helper people have never made Creeping Terror and, were they ever to try, would probably insist on putting ground beef into it. Under no circumstances are you to put ground beef into this dish. Ground beef is expensive and this dish is for starving college students who eat scary food.

Put the entire contents of the box of Beefy Noodle into a big- assed microwave safe bowl and add water until the noodles and sauce dust are covered by about a half inch. Stir. Add some butter, if you feel you must. Now nuke it until the noodles have absorbed all of the water, approximately 10 minutes. At this point, the dish should look like brownish noodles.

Now open and drain the green juice from your can of spinach. Add the entire can into the mix and stir it up. It is probably not necessary to cook it any more, since the heat from the noodles will warm the spinach and the spinach will in turn cool the noodles down to an edible temperature.

The finished product will look very much like something that crawled out of the swamp and died on the front porch. However it will smell quite beefy due to the Beefy Noodle sauce. Some of your braver roommates may even come over to see what it is. Don't worry they'll never be brave enough to try it. You can even offer them some and they will universally refuse. It will be your secret that the dish actually tastes good.