During the original net-publication of Mister Herman's Cat Games, numerous cat games were submitted by my readers for possible inclusion. Some of these submissions fall a good deal short of good taste and legality, but fortunately not on humor. So horriffic were these submissions that it has been determined that they must have fallen through a rift in the space time continuum from a universe where people REALLY hate cats. They are credited to their authors just so folks who meet them in person can beat the hell out of them on sight.

KITTY KITTY BANG BANG--

This is a little number that I like to call "Kitty Kitty Bang Bang." It loses points since it requires props, but as a form of feline torture, it reigns nearly unsurpassed. You need a "popper," one of those little explosive toys where pulling a string sets off an itty-bitty charge of gunpowder. If you don't see where this is going, I pity you. Anyway, wait till Kitty has fallen asleep and tie one end of the popper to its collar. If kitty doesn't have a collar, use your imagination.(I do not recommend tying the popper to either the kitty's primary or secondary sexual characteristics.) Tie the other end to any immovable object. Then use any of the above listed methods to wake up the heretofore unsuspecting feline,( gentleness and delicacy attaching the device are key here.) and enjoy the show. As Kitty tries to escape the torment you are heaping on its pointy little head, it will be driven further insane ( if, indeed this is possible ) by the detonation of the popper immediately behind it. CAUTION: Never use anything larger than a popper, like an M-80, for instance. Torturing Kitty is fun; laminating Kitty on the walls and ceiling is merely messy, and removes the opportunity to torture Kitty in the future. Play safe.--Ron

TANTALUS' KITTY--

Whenever I try to eat, my cat, of course, has this insane self-centered feline notion that my food is somehow his to eat. Not only does this leave me with less food, but whatever he doesn't eat now has huge tufts of kitty hair on it. So, while unable to actually break him of that habit, I have found a way to use his desire for table food to cause him some amount of grief. This torture requires only your cat's normal rations and an ordinary rabbit cage made of chicken wire (a note to my fellow Marines who might take their kitty into the field: the frame of your pack, placed over the food, works almost as well). While the immediate effects are not that impressive, the long-term neurosis this torment builds in your feline friend can be quite impressive. The idea is this: whenever you leave for a couple of days (a weekend road-trip, for instance), make sure you place the cat-food in a secure pantry, turn off all the faucets completely, and leave the toilet lids closed. Then, fill kitty's food-dish with his favorite succulant foodstuff, and his water-dish with water, and place them in the center of the rabbit cage (the cage must be big enough that kitty is just unable to reach the food). Then go off and enjoy yourself, happy in the knowledge that the cat now feels about his food the way you normally feel about yours. Of course, you need not limit this practice to when you are gone; sometimes I place the food and water in the cage when I'm around, just to see him bat his arms in vain and try so pathetically to stick his mouth through the chicken wire. There is a danger of turning Tantalus' Kitty into Dehydrate the Kitty, which is bad because then he just whines and whines until you take him to the vet who calls the ASPCA, so make sure you do it rarely enough that he both survives and still comes running at the sound of a can opener. Semper tormentatis felinum --Goree