FORWARD A great man once
said, "What's
the sense in having a cat if you don't torment it?" I have no idea
who that man was, but damn if he didn't have the right idea. Tormenting
cats is not only the greatest advantage to living with a cat in the
first
place it's also one of the best reasons to go on living at all.
However,
there are people in this world who wouldn't know creative cat torment
if
it shat in their pillowcase. These are the same people who buy those
stupid
Lazer-Mouse products you used to see advertised on the Weather
Channel.
So for the good of humanity, I have compiled this helpful list of
torments
that may be applied to cats. These are relatively harmless,
provided
the instructions are followed, and have all been tested on actual cats
who continue to survive in one piece to this very day.
NOTE: Not listed
here
are some of the so-called classic cat games like "kitty chases string"
or "kitty chases ball of yarn." These "classics" are often completely
and
totally devoid of creativity in any recognizable form and they're
really
questionable in the torment department. What's so tormenting
about
rolling a ball of yarn across the floor for a cat to chase? Unless the
yarn's been soaked in White Lighting and you have a match
handy,
it's not a torment.
My sincere thanks
go out
to the following people for their contributions to the development of
this
list of torments: Matthew Ellis, Michael Goree,
Margaret
Gousset, Ron Ingels, Billy Moody, Sujay Shaunak, Michael J. Fritzius,
Brandon
McAlister, Rod Higo, Bob Meador, Russell Vaughn and especially to Joe
Evans: Master Cat Tormentor.
In case you've
read this
far and are just mortified that this page even exists AND you're also a
WebTV user (the two seem to be mutually exclusive) feel free to send
all
complaint missives to juiceATmisterherman.com.
I promise not to ridicule you and print your e-mail for all to see...
much.
Or, if you have
cat-games
of your own, feel free to submit them for inclusion at the same
address.
LET
THE GAMES BEGIN...
1)
TIP THE KITTY (Cat-Tipping)
Cat-Tipping
is
quite similar to Cow Tipping, i.e. the art of finding a cow that is
asleep
standing up and then tipping it over by shoving it from one side. With
Cat-Tipping, the cat does not actually have to be asleep standing up.
In
fact, you would be hard pressed to find a cat that sleeps standing up.
There are actually a couple of methods to this. Firstly, you can simply
try to push over a cat that is standing up. This one is kind of tricky
because cats have devilishly good balance and can compensate for any
directional
force of sufficient weakness. However, if you push them quickly, when
they
aren't expecting it, they will usually fall over. Another method,
probably
my favorite, is to wait until your cat bends over forward to lick its
butt
and then tip it. In the butt-licking position your cat will be
incredibly
unbalanced due to its back being hunched and all of its legs splayed
out
forward or in the air. All you have to do then is push it in the
direction
with the least amount of legs and it will topple nicely. This really
cheeses
most cats off, cause they really like to lick their butts and hate to
be
interrupted. However, cats will usually not show any ire toward you for
tipping them over. They would rather pretend that they meant to fall
over
in the first place and had been planning to do so for the past seven
months.
Rest assured, though, they're actually pissed at you and may begin
seeking
ways to piss on you. A final method of cat-tipping is the "spike tip."
The spike tip is similar in preparation to the butt-lick tip, but
differs
in the actual execution. You wait for your cat to start licking its
butt
then you walk up behind it and, with both hands, grip your cat firmly
by
its sides, trapping it in the butt-licking position. Then, at your
leisure,
forcibly tip it onto its back. This has much the same emotional appeal
as spiking a football after a touchdown, hence the spike portion of the
name. Most cats, after being forcibly spike-tipped, will be unable to
contain
their hatred for you and will glare with shock and amazement that you
had
the audacity to interrupt their butt-licking with such an act. The
expression
on their face is well worth and wounds you may receive.
2)
KITTY BUTT BONGO
Inspired
by Howard
Stern's "Butt Bongo Fiesta," where Howard plays the bare butts of
scantily
clad women as though they were bongo-drums. Kitty Butt Bongo involves
finding
an unsuspecting kitty lying on its side with its butt exposed. Then you
sneak up on it and, using both hands, play the cat's butt as a
makeshift
bongo drum. It is helpful if you have rhythmic background music, such
as Vinx,
Stomp, Rusted Root, Tito Puente, or the theme from Miami Vice.
You don't have to have any background music though. Also important to
this
ritual, you must sing the words "Kitty Butt Bongo" repeatedly whilst
bongoing.
Thick gloves may be necessary to play this with less-patient,
non-de-clawed
cats. Much fun is produced. (SEE: Kitty Fanny and Paddle the Kitty.)
3)
THE KITTAPULT
This
trick requires
that you own a big cushy recliner rocking chair, preferably of the
slick
leather varieties. (A Pleather recliner is an acceptable
substitution.)
Cats often like to sleep on the top of the chair-backs of big cushy
reclining
rocking chairs. If you are careful, you can catch one in the act of
sleeping
in this manner. In such a case, stand behind the chair, gripping the
sides
of the chair-back. Then slowly begin to pull it back toward you. Cats
don't
like to have to move around a lot once they get settled. Makes em
agitated.
So if you pull the chair back slowly enough, the cat won't jump off and
run away but will simply adjust its position on the chair back so that
it stays upright. It may, thus, take you several minutes to pull the
chair
back a sufficient launch distance. When you have finally done so,
release
the chair-back. One of two things will happen: A) The cat will be
launched
airborne and will sail across the room, thus achieving a catapult
effect;
or B) The cat will roll off the back of the chair, land on your foot
and
claw it viciously. Either way, you've managed to torment your cat and
had
fun doing it, though not without some risk of personal injury.
4)
KITTY BOWLING
The
sport of bowling
traditionally involves a bowler rolling a bowling ball at high speeds
down
a slick wooden bowling lane toward a set of bowling pins in an effort
to
knock a majority of them over. Kitty bowling is similar but with far
fewer
rules and more executable methods. In one version, you substitute your
cat for the bowling pins, using a large spherical object—such as a big
ball of yarn, a bowling ball, etc—which you roll across the floor in an
effort to knock your cat over. This method can be used on carpet
provided
that you "ball" is light enough that its momentum won't be completely
slowed
by the carpet's surface. This method can be challenging, for you must
either
find an unsuspecting cat to bowl over or have really good aim.
Remember,
a cat aware of your intentions will rarely remain a sitting target. A
second
method is to substitute the cat for the ball, sliding the cat itself
across
a smooth surface. This method does require having a low-friction floor,
such as marble, tile or hard wood, as well as a low-traction cat, such
as mine. The ultimate in cat bowling would be to combine these two
methods,
sliding one cat across a slick surface to knock over another cat, but
no
one has yet been able to achieve success.
5)
MOCK THE KITTY
A
popular game
for cat owners that requires little effort to play. You simply wait for
your cat to start whining about something, (i.e., when it's awake,) and
the you mock it by repeating its meow in an exaggerated tone. Example:
Your cat says "Meow." A possible mocking response would be: "Oh,
Meyooowwwww!
I'm soooo pitiful. Pity me! I'm a poor little kitty who likes to
whiiiine!
Ohhh meyooooowwww!" Cats generally don't know how to deal with this
other
than by continuing to whine, giving you more opportunity to mock it. In
most cases it will eventually give up and go away, or give up and go
piss
on your stuff. If you want to mock your cat but are having
difficulty
finding it, go to the kitchen and open a can of something. When opening
a can of something, no matter what is actually in the can, all cats
assume
two things: A) It's a can of tuna; and B) It's for them. And all
cats instinctively know when a can is being opened, so if your cat is
in
the house at all it will miraculously appear in the kitchen and
underfoot
so quickly you'd swear Scotty had beamed it down. When the cat doesn't
immediately find the can of "tuna" on a silver platter on the floor
before
them, they will assume that something must be wrong with the hired
help,
(i.e., you,) and will begin to whine. Thus the mocking may commence. To
add the icing on the cake to your mocking, brazenly show your cat that
the can you opened was not tuna at all but was in fact yams. This will
irritate it to no end. Mission accomplished.
6)
TASTE THE KITTY'S EARS
It
is a well known
fact that bad kitties have warm ears and good kitties have cold ears.
No
one really knows why, but it certainly ain't cause of any kind of guilt
on the part of the cat. Cats are to guilt as Marilyn Manson is to
wholesome
family entertainment. Whatever the reason, the only way to tell if your
cat has been bad recently is to put one of its ears in your mouth.
Don't
worry, you don't have to put the whole nasty, greasy, wax-ridden,
mite-infested
cat ear in your mouth. Just the tip of the ear. And no tongue! If the
ear
is hot, or even warm, then your cat has been bad very recently and
should
therefore be beaten. If the ear is cold, your cat has either been good
recently or has just come in from the cold, in which case the only
reason
it had been outside in the first place was to get cold ears and hide
the
fact that it had been bad. Beat it. If the ear is simply tepid then
your
cat may have been bad in the recent past and is cooling into good, or
has
been good in the recent past and is now in the process of heating up to
be bad. Whatever, the case, you should probably go ahead and beat your
cat just to cover all your bases. If you don't want to go to the
trouble
of beating it, then at least spike tip it and play a good round of
kitty
butt bongo.
7)
FOLLOW THE KITTY
A
fun pastime for
a bored afternoon. In addition to being proud creatures, cats are also
paranoid creatures and don't take kindly to being stalked. Actual play
of this game is fairly straightforward; you simply follow the kitty.
Wherever
your cat walks, you follow it. If it stops, you stop. When it moves
again,
you follow. As an alternative to following on foot, you can follow your
cat on hands and knees, crawling after the kitty. The end result of the
game varies. Often the kitty will get really pissed off and begin to
complain,
at which point you can play an exciting game of mock the kitty. Or it
may
just lie down on the floor to wait for you to go away, at which point
you
can play kitty butt bongo or any number of cat-ass related games.
Eventually,
it will get up and start moving again, at which point you may resume
following
until your heart's content. Never play Follow the Kitty outside because
once a cat gets some space the game quickly turns into Chase the Kitty,
which can get complicated, especially if there are a lot of trees in
the
area. Plus, once outside, those crafty cats can usually find some out
of
the way nook to hide in where you'll have no hope of finding it, let
alone
following it.
8)
NO SLEEPY KITTY
One
problem with
owning a cat is that their sleep hours and your sleep hours rarely
coincide.
Cats sleep all day and wander the house at night. If they sleep at all
at night, they'll usually wake up at least three hours before you'd
like
to and then proceed to bug the crap out of you until you get up to
fetch
them some food, let them out, change their litter, etc. Cats don't
actually
want any of this, though. What they want is an excuse to whine. If you
give them food, change their litter or let them out you will have
removed
their original excuse to whine. But cats like to whine and hate it when
their reasons for whining are removed. Fortunately for them, the
removal
of excuses to whine is in itself reason enough to start whining again.
Your cat now has an excuse to wake you up complaining that they have
too
much food or that their litter is too clean or that they want to come
back
in. In any event, your precious sleep is disturbed and throwing
yourself
into a homicidal rage begins to seem like the only logical option.
Fortunately
for your cat, there is another option. The No Sleepy Kitty policy is a
very effective way to deal with this problem. First of all, before you
leave for work, force your cat to go outside. Once outside, cats are
always
on their guard because at any moment another cat might come walking up
and they have to be prepared to act all catty about it. Cats won't go
to
sleep outside unless they're absolutely certain that they're safe,
which
is hardly ever since, again, they're paranoid. After work, let your cat
back in the house and watch it like a hawk. Whenever it curls up on the
back of the sofa to go to sleep, (or on the back of the Pleather
recliner,
lending you ample opportunity to play Kittapult,) sneak up on it,
slap
the couch cushions and yell "No Sleepy Kitty!" Do this whenever it
tries
to sleep and continue doing so for the rest of the evening. By the time
you go to bed, the cat will be so exhausted that it will drop right off
to sleep. When you get up to go to the can in the middle of the night,
wake it up again. The end result of the No Sleepy Kitty method is that
your cat will be far too tired to bother you in the morning, thus
allowing
you precious sleep and preventing you from killing it. (An alternate
version of the game is to scream "Start Over!" whenever it goes to
sleep.
This is equally effective on humans who have just dropped off and is a
classic bastard move.) (See Paddle the Kitty and the Kittapult.)
9)
PADDLE THE KITTY
No
actual paddle
is required for play, nor is it recommended. This game is kind of
similar
to Kitty Butt Bongo, but uses fewer hands and doesn't involve singing.
Once again, your cat should be on its side, whether naturally or
because
you have recently tipped it. When your cat is on its side, take the
flat
of your hand and rapidly, though lightly, paddle the hell out of its
flank.
Since your paddling is done with a light touch, it will not hurt the
cat
but will scare the hell out of it, especially if it was asleep. This is
a marvelous game to use in conjunction with No Sleepy Kitty, where
instead
of screaming "No Sleepy Kitty" while paddling the surface of whatever
your
cat is sleeping on, you scream "No Sleepy Kitty" while paddling the
surface
of the cat. There is a danger to this torment, as some particularly
masochistic
cats actually like to be paddled. If this is the case then the game
ceases
to be a torment and becomes a fetish, which is really sick, so stop it!
10)
FWIP THE KITTY'S TAIL
A
game dating back
to the Ancient Egyptian Empire, when household servants of the
Pharaoh's
were often put to death for playing it. Fwip the Kitty's Tail involves
capturing the base of your cat's tail between your index and middle
fingers
and quickly raising your hand so as to give the tail some whip action,
making a neat "fwipping" sound. The most effective method calls for the
cat's tail to lie across the top of your index finger but under your
middle
finger so that the tip of the middle finger can touch the nail of the
index.
For those of you who are have less manual dexterity the index finger
and
thumb may be substituted, but with far less effective fwipping results.
There is a variation on this game, called "Mr. Fwippy," where your
index
and middle fingers become a character called Mr. Fwippy. Mr. Fwippy's
job
is to bite the kitty and talk in a funny voice. You "bite" the kitty by
bending your two fingers until they look like spider-fangs then use
them
to poke your kitty in the back. Unfortunately, this often causes the
kitty
to bite back and the kitty's bite is for real.
11)
KITTY FANNY
Not
all that similar
to Kitty Butt Bongo or Paddle the Kitty, but does fall into the Cat-Ass
category of cat game. Again, you must find a cat lying on its side.
Next,
slip one hand on the underside of the kitty's fanny while placing your
other hand on the top. Then you rapidly lift the fanny with the
underside
hand while using your top hand both to push the fanny back down again
and
keep the cat from escaping. It is also vitally important to repeatedly
chant the words "Kitty Fanny." This is one of the more irritating of
the
kitty games and there are few cats that will put up with it for any
length
of time. Most of the time, the cat will find a way to escape, which
means
you should be prepared to fend off cat claws should they make an
appearance.
12)
TAPE THE KITTY'S PAWS
Although
this is
a true classic of kitty torment methods, I'm not a big fan of it
because
it does require props. (I return to my stupid Lazer Mouse/Weather
Channel product analogy--having to have props to torment a cat just
seems
uncreative to me.) However, since it is an all time classic and since
it
is pretty damn funny, I do include it here. Tape the Kitty's Paws
involves
taking a small piece of tape, preferably of the Scotch variety, and
applying
it to the bottom of one or more of your cat's feet. The cat will then
try
to walk on it, get pissed off that something's stuck on its foot, and
proceed
to comically shake its foot in an effort to free itself of the
offending
tape. While this is quite humorous, cats get wise to this act pretty
quick
and will run and hide at the first sign of your tape roll. As far as
the
mechanics of the torment go, the tape should always be applied to the
pads
of the feet where it can be easily removed after you get tired of
watching
the cat dance. Some tormentors have tried wrapping strips of tape
around
the cat's actual legs, but I'm here to tell you that this is
inadvisable.
The tape just sticks in the cat hair and is painful for the cat during
removal. This moves beyond torment and into torture, which is never the
goal. Scotch tape is probably the heaviest variety of tape you should
use.
If you use masking, electrical, or, God forbid, duct tape, you risk
tearing
off fur and flesh which is never comical. A way to avoid such
tape-related
problems is forego tape altogether and simply use rubber bands to tie
little
plastic bags over each of the cat's feet. It's a much more intensive
process
to get small plastic bags over each foot, but the end result is twice
as
comical as with tape. The main drawback to this method is finding tiny
plastic bags in the first place, unless, of course, you're a
coke-dealer,
in which case you probably have plenty.
13)
PET THE KITTY TO DEATH
Note:
If played
properly no cat need actually die in this game. Cats are moody beasts
who
don't always want attention from their owners and are prone to claw
them
when such unwanted attention is foisted upon them. However, when they
are
in the mood for attention, they want it here and they want it now and
can
be quite demanding about receiving it. Never mind that you may be
otherwise
engaged, watching television, reading, taking a dump, having sex, etc.
This is where Pet the Kitty to Death comes in. The purpose of this game
is to grab the kitty and pet it with rapidity and force so that you are
able to reach the cat's petting quota for the day in as little time as
possible. The expression on its face is quite priceless. It's a kind of
"Hey! Hold it! Whoah! You're petting me WAY too fast! You bastard!"
look.
Warning, though, some cats actually enjoy this more then normal petting
and we move back into the dangerous cat-fetish area if this is the
case.
When in doubt, avoid pleasing your cat.
14)
WET HEAD
Unlike
several
of our previous cat games, which concentrated, some have suggested
unhealthily,
on the cat's ass, this game moves things right to the front of the
matter,
the cat's head. The head end of your cat is the loud and whining end of
your cat. As we know, cats do the vast majority of their whining in the
kitchen. This is because they know that the kitchen is where their
ultimate
goal is located, that goal being your food. A cat's primary tactic for
getting your food is by standing in the kitchen, underfoot, whining
eternally.
Since whining is a tormentable offense and since you're both already in
the kitchen, a great way of lightly disciplining your whining cat is to
soak your hand under the kitchen tap and then grab your cat's whining
head
with the wet hand. This will do absolutely nothing to shut the cat up.
All it does is soak their head and piss them off, but the hateful
expression
beaming from your cat's dripping head is always well worth the effort.
An equally effective cat torment involving water and cat heads can be
achieved
provided you have the handy kitchen prop of a refrigerator that offers
water and ice dispensers built into the outside of the door. You first
need to test the water dispenser to see where on the floor its stream
will
strike if you don't put a glass in front of it to catch the water. The
next step is to very surreptitiously lure your cat to stand on this
target
spot. If you can coax them to put their front paws on the fridge
thereby
putting their head even closer to the dangerous "chilled water" nozzle,
then you're well ahead of the game. Then you press the little water
trigger
and watch the fun!
15)
THE KITTY HOLD
Sometimes,
while
playing kitty games or just normally, one's kitty can become excited to
the point of insanity. At this point they may begin running around the
house as if wacked out on speed, clawing the furniture, knocking your
valuable
stuff off of shelves, spilling things and getting on your last damn
nerve.
It's in this situation that a time out should be called for, but until
now cat-owners have been powerless to stop their animals from running
amok.
Rumors and legends have told of an ancient special grip, or hold, with
which such a cat owner could subdue and immobilize such a cat without
actually
having to hurt it. Much. Now, thanks to the diligent efforts of a team
of cultural anthropologists who spent years researching and
interviewing
the descendants of the master cat tormentors of the orient, the secrets
of this legendary "Kitty Hold" can now be revealed. According to the
masters,
the really tricky part is actually capturing the cat without getting
clawed
in the process. So let's just assume you've been able to do that. Now
for
the hold: Use your right arm to hold the cat's body from underneath it
while your left arm makes a grab for its back feet. Next, turn your cat
so that it's head is facing to your right and hold the cat flat against
your body using your right hand while your left contains its struggling
back legs. At this point, the cat's front paws are probably trying to
claw
your right arm to get away. To stop this, bring your right hand up
toward
your left shoulder. The cat will think you're trying to crush its head
and will put its paws into the crook of your elbow in an attempt to
climb
out and escape. But you're far too wily to let this happen. Once your
right
hand is gripping your left shoulder you will have both the cat's front
paws and head cradled in the crook of your elbow where you can now
apply
pressure to prevent them from moving. Meanwhile, your left hand has
hopefully
secured its back legs and you can now bring your chin gently down on
top
of your cat's exposed head to prevent it from moving to bite you. Your
cat is now in the Kitty Hold and is powerless before you. You can now
allow
it whatever degree of small movement you wish, but if it starts trying
to escape you have but to apply slight pressure and all is well.
Warning:
Cats DO NOT like to have their movement constricted and will get quite
verbal about it, but there's very little they can do about it once in
the
Kitty Hold. For it is written in the great tomes of the master cat
tormentors:"For
no cat shall ever be able to escape from the Kitty Hold. But lo, there
shall be born a new kind of cat whose name will be spoken on the
tongues
of angry owners, and their tongues shall call him Atilla: The Ever
Living.
And lo, this new and frightening creature shall be unable to use a
litter-box,
for though his feet be in the box, his ass hangs from the side. And
this
cat will be of such strength that he shall easily escape from the kitty
hold, even though the hold be applied by Joe
Evans.
And a new and more powerful breed of cat would arise from his mighty
loins
to return the torment of his species on their tormentors, except that
his
owner got him fixed."
16)
ROLL THE KITTY
This
can be played
either on its own or immediately following a nice game of tip the
kitty.
When the kitty is laying on its side, you put a hand under its legs,
lift
the hand and the cat is rolled over with its legs falling on the other
side. If you have a hand waiting to catch the legs you can roll the
kitty
back to the other side. Do this quickly and repeatedly, while singing,
to the tune of Rawhide, the lyrics "Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'! Get them
kitties
rollin'! Keep them kitties rollin', Rawhide... yah!" Much fun is
produced.
17)
WET TOWEL ON THE KITTY
This
is a fun pastime,
but does require props. You'll need a towel and a good quantity of
moisture,
both easily available following a bath, shower, swim or just after
using
a towel to soak up cat urine following an error in excretory judgment.
Let's take it from the shower perspective. Following a shower, use your
towel to dry yourself off completely. When you are finished, hold the
towel
lengthwise and begin stalking your cat. Most cats won't catch on until
the second or third time you do this, but eventually they'll get the
message
and run from you in mortal terror. After you've stalked your cat for a
sufficient period of time, throw the wet towel onto it, completely
covering
your cat. Cats are proud and holy creatures and do not like to have wet
towels thrown on them. They often will not acknowledge its presence
immediately
or will pretend that they meant to have a wet towel thrown on them, so
as to save face. Some cats have been known to walk around the house
with
a wet towel draped over their ass for upwards of twenty minutes. It may
thus take the cat quite some time find its way from under the wet
towel,
especially if you were wise and used a beach towel. For added fun,
throw
your wet towel onto the cat when it is facing away from a large solid
object
such as a wall. If completely covered, the cat will try to back from
under
the towel, but will not be able to do so since its ass will bump up
against
the wall. It will have nowhere to go and will likely start to cry.
Mission
accomplished.
18)
ZURBET THE KITTY
If
you've watched THE
COSBY SHOW of the 1980s you're probably familiar with the concept
of
zurbeting. For those of you who are not, zurbeting involves creating a
flatulent sound by pressing ones mouth to the flesh of someone else,
usually
on the stomach area, and blowing. It doesn't make quite as impressive a
sound, but this technique can be applied to cats as well. When
zurbeting
cats, it is often helpful to buzz ones lips, like a trumpet player, to
create a more satisfying zurbety sound. Cats, of course, hate this and
always attempt to escape. It is therefore wise to make sure its claws
are
not within striking distance of your face and eyes.
19)
SOCK IT TO THE KITTY
Another
classic
and prop-intensive cat-game, which, as the title suggests, requires a
sock.
Unlike 'Tape the Kitty's Paws,' you don't have to worry about what kind
of sock to use. Any sock is fine, provided it is able to stretch enough
to fit around, say, a cat head. (You can see where this is going
can't
you?) Place your kitty in your lap, holding her between your knees
so she can't get away. (Don't use the Kitty Hold, unless you have a
partner in crime to put the sock on while you hold the cat.) Now
take
the sock and, opening the foot-insertion end, place it over your
kitty's
head. Return the cat to the floor and the action can begin. Much like
in
Wet Towel on the Kitty, your cat will try to walk backwards in an
attempt
to back itself out of the sock. And, again like Wet Towel on the Kitty,
if it backs into a wall or into a corner, it will probably give up and
sit down to cry. A few cats are able to figure out that if they attack
the sock with their claws they can pull it from their heads. For those
cats who are clueless, though, it is not recommended that you leave the
sock on for very long as you may end up with a suffocated kitty. If
you're
looking for punishment as well as torment, a smelly gym sock will
really
do the trick.
20)
KITTY UNDER GLASS
Okay,
for this
game you're gonna need a big ass sheet of clear plexi-glass. Now
granted,
big ass sheets of clear plexi-glass are not common items to be found
lying
around the house and aren't terribly sensible things to have at all,
unless
you're into role playing games that involve miniatures and you need a
big
ass sheet of plexi-glass to cover your hex-map so you don't get grease
pencil marks on it. But you'd have to be some kind of huge nerd to do
that.
If you happen to have a big sheet of plexi-glass handy, preferably one
that is at least as wide as, say, a doorway, a fun thing to do is set
it
up in said doorway then go find your cat. The idea is to torment the
cat
in such a way that you'll cause it to try and run out of the room to
get
away from you. You can use a wide variety of the kitty games here in
order
to do this but the best method I've found is to chase the cat with the
help of a bunch of drunken role players. The desired end-result,
however,
is that the cat winds up colliding with the big ass sheet of
plexi-glass,
which hopefully it will be too busy to take notice of. Then, while it's
still dazed, corner it again and chase it back to the glass. Cat's
usually
won't run into the plexi-glass twice, but their look of horror at being
able to see their escape route, yet be impotent to use it is
delightful.
Another fun thing to do is to take the big ass sheet of plexi-glass and
follow the cat around with it, blocking its path and adjusting it to
block
the new path the cat chooses to get away from the blocked first path.
21)
SLIPPIN'
This
is a fine
game to play when releasing your cat from the Kitty Hold or just
whenever
you'd like to put them down and screw with their minds at the same
time.
First of all, you'll need to play this game while wearing a shirt that
is not a color that runs counter to your cat's. For instance, you don't
want to wear a black shirt while playing this game with, say, an orange
cat who sheds like a Vegas stripper in July. To play Slippin', find
your
cat and hold it in your arms, preferably cradling it with its back
pointed
toward the ground. Next, slowly begin to loosen your grip on your cat,
allowing gravity to take hold and start pulling it downward. At first
you
should do this very slowly and subtly so as not to arouse
kitty-suspicion.
Cats are quick thinkers, though, and will catch on fairly soon. They'll
become panicked that they will be dropped. At this point, you should
start
the verbal psychological-attack. Say things to your kitty like: "You're
slippin!" or "Oh, yer slippin'!" or "Oh, my goodness, you're slippin'"
or "Ya could hardly be slippin' more" or "Get you, you're slippin'"
and,
of course, the ever-popular, "You're slippin' so much you're about to
fall
to your death." Continue to gradually loosen your grip. Your cat will
help
you in this game by sticking out paws to attempt to steady its slow
descent,
using the back of its head as an anchor point and might actually dig
claws
into your arm a bit. You probably don't have to worry about the cat
doing
any actual claw damage to you, though, because the cat is already
afraid
you're gonna but doesn't want to piss you off by clawing you cause then
you're most assuredly going to drop it. Just before the cat is about to
actually fall, gather back into your arms and say "Oh, look, I've saved
you." Your cat will be far from grateful, which is why you should
immediately
repeat the game.
22)
TWIQUE THE KITTY
A
versatile game
that can be played by itself or in competition with a friend and their
cat. Twique the Kitty is played by finding a cat, either sleeping or
merely
stationary, and twiquing only the very tip ends of a finger-sized
section
of its little kitty hair in an attempt to induce muscle spasms. Yes,
thanks
to Old Man Evolution, cats are terribly sensitive to the gentle
prodding
of their fur. Their unconscious mind thinks that the twiquing is caused
by some sort of insect that has landed on their fur to bite them and
will
violently react in order to shoo the offending bug away. What their
unconscious
mind doesn't know is that you're the cause of the fur-twiquing and
aren't
planning on being shooed away any time soon. Unfortunately, the cat's
conscious
mind often gets wise to what's going on and convinces the cat to
relocate
in order to avoid being prodded. Thus the goal of this game is to
continue
causing muscle spasms in your cat for as long a period of time as you
can
stand without being so obvious that it gets pissed off and runs away.
Often
times, the cat will catch on but will not move because it's far too
content
with its position. It will resort to giving you dirty looks, hoping to
shame you into stopping. However, if you actually stop tormenting your
cat because of mere dirty look then you should be ashamed, for you will
no longer be a worthy student of cat torment and David Caradine will
come
to your house and kick you in the ass.
23)
MAKE A WISH
A
quick game to
be played when one's cat is sitting on one's chest with its face facing
yours. Calmly reach up with both hands and firmly take hold of your
kitty's
ears as though you were holding bicycle grips. Now tell your kitty to
"Make
a wish!" in a sing-song silly voice, making sure to draw out the shhh
sound
of the word "wish." If done properly, the cat's eyes will become quite
wide with fear that you really are about to rip its ears off. I don't
recommend
actually ripping off your kitty's ears. It tends to get messy and then
there's the whole problem of having to decide what to do with a couple
of ripped kitty ears. They just don't go well on a key-chain nor do
they
taste good in a soup. Plus, it'll just give your cat something to whine
about and it can whine even louder now that it can claim to be hard of
hearing. You need that like Mick Jagger needs more illegitimate kids.
24)
HEY CAT
Pretty
much anyone
who has a cat plays this game on a daily basis. Hey Cat is played
whenever
you see your cat doing something that it shouldn't be doing. In the
correct
hands, a good "Hey Cat" can work miracles on cat behavior. It is a
mighty
power that can be wielded with whatever degree of force or gentility is
necessary to instill the exact degree of fear you wish. (And if you
have
a Weirding Module, like those guys in DUNE, you can blow your cat into
several pieces with a mere word. "The Hey Cat is a killing word.") You
can use a very low volume "Hey Cat" if, for instance, you simply see
your
cat in the same room as, let's say, a garbage can full of corn cobs,
the
very kind it likes to pull out of the garbage, strew around the floor
and
hide behind the toilet, and you wish to give it a warning shot across
its
bow. Your cat might not take much offense at this low volume "Hey Cat",
since being in the kitchen is rarely a crime. But, as your cat gains
proximity
to the garbage can in question, you might choose to increase the volume
of your "Hey Cat" to draw its attention and show that you mean
business.
(If you own a Goat Kitty, as I do, it would then angrily say
"Mayayayayayat"
in response to being caught near the garbage.) If you actually catch
your
cat touching, or, dare I say it, actually in the garbage can you are
then
authorized to issue a full volume "Hey Cat" that will ideally drive it
screaming from the can certain in the knowledge that dire punishment is
about to be brought forth onto its kitty head. But at no point should
you
actually have to move from your chair to deliver this punishment. The
mere
threat of it should be enough. If your cat does not respond
appropriately
to your "Hey Cat" then you obviously haven't beaten it nearly enough
and
should consider taking up the hobby.
25)
SMACK THE CIGARETTE OUT OF THE KITTY'S MOUTH
A
tremendous problem
among the youth of America is chain-smoking. This goes doubly so for
kitty
cats, who are impressionable, holy creatures with a fierce thirst for
tobacco
products. Ask any veterinarian what the biggest complaint his customers
have and he'll say "chain-smoking kitties." If this is a problem in
your
household there's a kitty game that can help. When you catch your cat
sneaking
a smoke, just smack the cigarette out of its mouth. Smacking cigarettes
out of mouths is a tried and true bastard move which will serve not
only
to keep your cat from smoking that particular cigarette but will also
serve
to piss it off. Once you've stopped your cat from smoking you can start
asking yourself other necessary questions. Question: How do I keep my
cat
from smoking? Answer: Don't give it any cigarettes and don't leave
money
laying out on the coffee table in plain view. Question: How do I keep
my
cat from bumming cigarettes from strangers? Answer: Don't teach it
language
skills. Sure, this may seem obvious on the surface, but one day you'll
find yourself sitting across from your cat at the dinner table
discussing
subject/verb agreement over a plate of Tender Vittles. Then you'll see
the true horror of which I speak. I tell you this because I know.
26)
PATTY CAKE
Most
people are
familiar with the children's game Patty Cake, where you take a small
child's
hands and forcibly pat them together, chanting "Patty Cake Patty Cake,
baker's man/Bake me a cake as fast as you can/roll it and pat it and
mark
it with a b/and put it in the oven for baby and me." Well, this
variation
is almost exactly the same except instead of force-patting the hands of
a small child, you force pat the paws of your kitty. This is not as
easy
to accomplish as it sounds. Cats don't care to have any part of their
anatomy
force patted, let alone their paws. There's also the logistical problem
that cat paws are usually found beneath their running bodies and not
dangling
out in the air for anyone to walk up and grab. To remedy this, you must
capture your cat and flip it onto its back and then onto your lap. This
will put your cat's paws into prime grabbing position. It may be
necessary
to secure the cat's back legs, especially if it's a known back-leg
clawer.
Once all is ready, forcibly pat your kitty's front paws together
chanting
the lyrics to Patty Cake. You may, if you must, alter the last verse to
say "And put it in the oven for kitty and me." Now whereas most babies
enjoy playing patty cake, at no time is your cat likely to enjoy the
experience.
Use this to your tormenting advantage. If your cat gets upset and tries
to get away during the actual play of Patty Cake, you should re-start
the
game from the beginning and slowly make your way through the verses all
over again. Once you've successfully made it through the rhyme, you may
release your infuriated cat.
27)
PILE STUFF ON THE KITTY
A great
game to
play while laying around on the floor in a messy room with your cat.
The
trick is to wait until the cat lies down and then see just how much
random
junk you can pile on top of the cat before it gets up and runs away.
Now,
the object is NOT to put large heavy objects on the cat so that it is
weighted
down and can't get away. This is hardly sporting. You should use
smaller
lighter items, the kind that might not get noticed immediately, such as
paper, dirty socks, carpet fluff, cat-hair tumble-weeds, old magazines,
dead bugs, or even other cats. This is an especially good game to play
after doing laundry before you've folded all your clothes. Or you can
use
a pile of dirty clothes before laundering them in case you don't want
to
get cat hair on em. Cats will put up with a certain degree of this sort
of thing before getting fed up and trying to scratch off whatever
you've
put on it. Your cat may even viciously attack the object, or even you.
28)
KArt
Almost
indistinguishable
from Pile Stuff on the Kitty except to the trained eye of a cat game
specialist.
With KArt your goal is to pile stuff on or around your kitty in such a
way as to make an artistic statement of socially redeeming value and/or
for shits & grins. This is much the same theory behind the use of
parsley
and hollandaise sauce lines in conjunction with food. In fact, if you
want
to use parsley and hollandaise sauce on your cat while creating KArt,
more
power to you. First off find your cat when it's lying down or, if
necessary,
just knock it over. Start with maybe a sock draped ever so cavalierly
across
your cat's ass. Add then a sock of a different color across its
midsection
or along the curve of its spine. Experiment with different colors and
textures
of clothing in your KArt. Or even better, catch your cat napping
outdoors
and cover it in flowers, dirt, bugs, weeds, etc. in an aesthetically
pleasing
manner. Some KArtists prefer to preserve their work by photographing
their
cat following KArtification. KArt purists, however, argue that the very
transitory nature of the art form is its greatest strength and that
KArt
is to be savored only for the brief moment of its duration.
29)
NO LICKY KITTY
A fine
game to
play on a boring Sunday afternoon, or just whenever your cat happens to
be within arm's reach. Unlike a dog—an animal that will eat not only
its
own feces but the feces of any other creature, whilst rolling around in
something dead for a half hour—a cat will keep itself clean by
incessantly
licking its fur for hours on end. And nothing pisses a cat off more
than
when you prevent it from incessantly licking its fur for hours on end. No
Licky Kitty does just that. To play No Licky Kitty, simply
find
your cat and wait for it to begin its incessant licking. Whenever it
does,
gently move whichever body part it's attempting to lick away from its
mouth.
You will probably get several confused looks before the real kitty
stink
eye session begins, but fear not it will. The cat will have basically
four
options at this point. It can whine, but we all know how ineffective
this
little maneuver is. It can try to escape, but this will just give you
the
opportunity to play Follow the Kitty until you can catch up to it, at
which
point the game resumes. It can claw you, which it might depending on
which
body parts you're preventing it from licking, but clawing will likely
result
in further torments. The third option is to try and wait you out, to
simply
not lick until you get tired of waiting. They may even feign sleep.
Unfortunately,
cats have terribly short attention spans. In the history of catdom, the
longest amount of time a cat has spent attempting to wait out its owner
before licking is exactly 43 seconds. And most cats are light weights
compared
to that. You can take em.
30)
SPIN THE KITTY
First,
find a
kitty laying down on a linoleum or tiled floor (If this can not be
accomplished,
then grab a kitty and bring it to the floor). Then put one hand on the
kitty's shoulders and the other on the kitty's butt. Spin the kitty
around
in circles for ten to twenty seconds and then let go. The kitty will
then
try to run away, but it will run towards the side instead due to the
kitty's
messed up equilibrium. If the cat does not run though, you can still
watch
its head move in a circle trying to compensate for the spinning world
that
it perceives.
31)
LEAFING LAS KITTIES
A great
and harmless
cat game to save for Autumn. First you should rake up all the leaves in
your yard into piles (or, at the very least, wait for your neighbors to
rake all the leaves in their yard into piles). Next go find your cat,
capture
it and take it out to the largest leaf pile you can find. Now, you
already
know from the title of this game that the object here is to hurl your
cat
into the big pile of leaves. You also know the good guys are gonna win
before sitting down to watch Return of the Jedi for the 253rd
time.
But the enjoyment is in the process, eh? Now with cat in clutches and
leaf
pile at feet, inform your cat of it's upcoming fate. Point out the leaf
pile to your cat. Make sure your cat looks at it. Then tell your cat,
in
no uncertain terms, that it shall be hurled into the leaves within mere
seconds. And, finally, using your best Emperor Palpatine voice, tell
your
cat "It is your desssstiny." Once the cat is all good and worked up
about
the issue, hurl it into the leaves. If the pile is good and deep, the
cat
will sink out of sight and remain there briefly before trying to
struggle
its way out. It will probably give you dirty looks if it is dumb enough
to hang around. If it is, grab it and start the game over.
32)
DRAG THE KITTY ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN A MOVING VAN
This is
a difficult
game to play as it requires an awful lot of props, work and expense to
achieve and in the long run turns out to be more of a human torment
than
a cat torment. But if you've got the time, effort and cash, go right
ahead
and be my guest. First off for this game you'll need a destination to
move
to. For my first attempt at this game, I chose to move to North
Carolina
from Mississippi, which is only about an 8 hour trip in a car and is a
12 hour trip in a fully loaded moving van. Next you'll need to take all
your stuff and put it into cardboard boxes. Depending on how much stuff
you have, this could take hours or days. Mine took about a week, but I
also had a job at the time. Next you'll need to work out any problems
you
may have with your utilities and get them all paid off. This can be a
real
hassle, especially when you don't have a forwarding address and can't
get
a post office box in the state you are moving to cause the bastards
require
a North Carolina driver's license before they'll even deem to give you
an audience, let alone a box. You'll probably need to arrange for a
moving
van while you're at it. This too is time consuming cause you want to
get
the best deal you can and will need to shop around. Once you've secured
a moving van and done all of the above, you'll need to load all your
shit
into it. This too is a monster amount of effort to expend and makes me
tired just thinking about it. Once you've loaded your shit in the van
and
made sure it won't break or nothing, and once you've cleaned your
apartment
from stem to stern, taking special care to return the borrowed
air-conditioner
from next door that you had originally tried to take without permission
after your own air-conditioner gave up the ghost and which you then had
to bargain your very soul for once your landlord caught you in the
process
of stealing it-marking only the second time you've even seen him on the
property-and with whom you had to agree to clean up your festering
hellhole
of an apartment and return the stolen air-conditioner to it's rightful
place. Now it's time to find your cat. Some cats are good travelers.
You
can just chunk em in the car and they'll curl right up in the passenger
seat and go right to sleep, dreaming cute little kitty dreams and
occasionally
purring along with the hum of the engine. If your cat is like that then
you may as well unpack all your shit and stay home cause this won't be
much of a torment for it. However if your cat is, say, like mine, a bad
traveler, then you're in business. You put them in a moving van at 3 in
the morning and set out on Hwy 78 toward Birmingham and they will be
guaranteed
to spend at least the first three hours of the trip screaming their
little
kitty lungs out while desperately clawing at the glass. At some point
after
that they will probably start to calm down a little bit and may even
settle
down behind the seat, emitting a slower trickle of terrified meows. Or,
like my cat, they may burrow under the dash and try to claw their way
through
the firewall to reach the engine. Whichever, it's still being tormented
as a result of decisions made by you and that's the whole point.
33)
ELECTRO-SHOCK KITTY
The
research
and development of this particular cat torment was actually conducted
on
a dog, specifically my friend Matthew's poodle Lupie. Like most
poodles,
Lupie was pretty much begging for someone to torment him just by being
alive. We discovered that during the dead of winter, when the air
is good and dry, it was incredibly satisfying to build up a big static
charge by scootching our wool-slipper covered feet along Matthew's
living
room carpet then find Lupie and touch him on the nose. The
resulting
tiny arc of electricity was usually enough to send the dog into a very
entertaining fit of growling rage. (For those of you who
now think I'm just a cruel and heartless bastard for doing this, you
should
know that Lupie eventually took his revenge by biting me on the eye, so
I got my just desserts.) The Electro-Shock Doggie
method
translates almost as effectively to kitties. I say almost
because rather than entertainingly snarling at you for shocking them on
the nose, most cats will just look horribly offended and run away to
hide.
An alternate and more entertaining method for applying static shock to
a cat is to catch the cat lying on thick carpet during the dead of
winter
and then physically rub the cat's body against the carpet. This is best
done by either playing Spin
The Kitty or by rubbing it over the
carpet's
surface as if you were scrubbing the floor with it. This causes static
to rapidly build and release in a series of tiny electrical explosions
along the surface of the cat. On particularly cold days the
crackle from this can get pretty loud. Be warned, though, that
cats
are conductive little beasts and you're chances of getting shocked
while
rubbing the cat over the rug are pretty high. It's still more than
worth
it.
34)
CAT-PI
New
Cat Games Page contributor (and my cousin) Michael J. Fritzius came up
with the following while studying for a calculus exam: Cat-Pi
involves grabbing the tail of a mobile, non-running cat, picking its
hind
region off the floor by the tail, and pivoting it around 180 degrees,
or
one pi radian, so that it faces the other way. It's kind of a forced
about
face. If the cat doesn't take off running, they sometimes stand there a
little disoriented because this is obviously not the direction they
were
heading in to begin with. Obviously this torment doesn't work on
specific breeds of cats, like a Manx cat, and shouldn't be done on cats
which are suspected of not having load bearing tails or large
ends.
35)
SHOVE THE KITTY
Michael
J. Fritzius writes: The Kitty Shove is employed on a cat who is
sitting on the floor with all of its feet tucked underneath itself.
Walk
up to the cat quietly if it's sleeping, or just walk up there, because
the cat'll be awake by the time you sneak/bound up next to it anyway.
Then,
either with your hand or your foot, push on the side of the cat so that
it rolls onto its other side. You don't want to *slam* the cat onto its
side, but rather eeeeeeeeease it. Also, you must accompany this action
by saying the word "SHOOOOOOVE!" until the move is completed.
It's
generally easier to use the foot method because it's hard for lazy
college
students like myself to bend down to shove the cat. Also, true masters
of Zen Kitty Shoving can shove a cat and have it perform a complete
revolution
and resume its original position about one foot from its starting
point.
I think the record amount of rolls for one shove is like 28 or
something.
36)
JINGLE BELLS
This can
be a
festive holiday game, or you can play it year round, assuming it works
for you at all. This might, in fact, be a cat game that only
works
on my cat, Winston Churchill: The Infinitely Bad Kitty, who is wired up
way differently than most cats I've met. In some ways I feel kind
of responsible for the rewiring of the cat. As if all of the
above
cat games don't qualify, when my cat and her siblings were just
kittens,
I used to go and lay on the floor near their kitty bed and squeak at
them.
This usually involved pressing my lips together and forcing air through
them, causing a high pitched squeak, or by just using my voice box to
make
high squeaky sounds. When I did, the kittens would all come over
and try to look in my mouth, probably thinking that one of their
siblings
had crawled down in there by mistake. When Winston got older, we
found that the lips-together squeaky sound caused her to come to you
about
90 percent of the time. So for years that's what we've used to
call
her when we want her to come over or to otherwise communicate with
her.
Last Christmas, my wife happened to be sitting around the house
whistling Jingle
Bells to herself. (We live in West Virginia. There's
not
a lot to do.) She noticed that when she whistled, Winston began
acting
peculiarly. And the louder and faster she whistled the more
peculiar
Winston became. The cat began running around the house mewing as
if something was very very wrong. It was the kind of mewing that,
had it come from, say, Lassie's mouth, a search party would have been
formed
to go dredge the local lakes for little Timmy's corpse. This
being
the case, we began experimenting. We found that other tunes, when
whistled, had mildly similar effects on the cat, but Jingle Bells
really brought it home. We also tried a whistling duet of Jingle
Bells, which just about sent the cat into a panic attack.
Taking
into consideration the adage With Great Power Comes Great
Responsibility, we
decided not to whistle very much around Winston, least we blow one of
her
already strained kitty fuses. So far we have found no other cats
that are affected in this manner.
37)
CROW CALL KITTY
New
Cat Games Page contributor Brandon McAlister writes: I've
found a great way to destroy your cat's day. Go to a local hunting
store
and get a crow call. I would drink beer on my porch with friends and my
cat was always trying to escape. One day I happened upon a crow call.
This
thing is possibly the loudest most obnoxious thing any one has ever
heard!
You can learn to change the pitch with your teeth and they only cost
about
$5-$10. Now all I have to do is pick this thing up and my cat runs and
hides for hours. Its really great for when there sleeping, eating or
anytime
you want to sneak up and scare the hell out of them. (PS. Also
gets
drunks out of your house when the party is over!)
38)
THE PERSIAN JUMPING CAT OF VENTURA COUNTY
This cat
game
really should occur far earlier in the list, like #1 even.
It's the first cat-game I ever heard of and is a story I've heard from
a very early age. Shortly before my birth, my parents lived in
Oxnard,
CA where they owned a fluffy white Persian cat named Cuddles. One
day, while in the bedroom, my dad decided to play a game with the
cat.
He stepped into the bedroom closet, closed the door and began calling,
"Heeeere, kitty kitty kitty." Sure enough, the cat comes in,
hears
him in the closet, claws under the door a bit until it's apparent that
it won't be able to open it with mere claws, then settles down on the
floor
to wait him out. Dad comes out, the cat gives him a "Yeah, I knew
you were in there," look and goes about its merry way. An idea
then
occurred to Dad. He dug out his cassette tape recorder and
recorded
two minutes of himself saying, "Heeeere, kitty kitty kitty," and the
like.
He placed the tape recorder in the closet, hit play, stepped into the
bathroom
and said, "Wife, bring the cat." Cuddles came in, heard dad's
voice
in the closet, clawed under the door for a bit then sat down to wait
Dad
out again. At this point, Dad stepped out of the bathroom and
Cuddles
leapt three feet into the air in shock and surprise. I haven't
personally
tried this game, but it always warms my heart to think about it.
39)
SLEEPY KITTY SURPRISE
I'm
terribly irritated
about having this next game sent to me by someone else as it is one
I've
been playing with my cat for most of her life, not to mention my
previous
cat before that, yet I have somehow failed to put on the page until
now. New
Cat Games contributor Rod Higo writes: As your cat is laying
around
next to you being lazy as all cats do, pay attention to when it
yawns.
Notice how its eyes completely close during its yawn. Notice how
wide they open their mouths during that yawn. Now here's the fun
and challenging part: You need to recognize the start of the yawn, and
quickly get your finger over there in its mouth. It's quite humorous to
see its surprised reaction and the annoying glare that follows it up."
My own addendum to this is that your cat's reaction will be even MORE
extreme
if you manage to cram, say, a dirty sock into its mouth when it
yawns.
This game is terribly fun to play on people as well, with much the same
results.
40)
HELE-KITTY
Cat
Games contributor Bob Meador writes: "Look for a cat
that's
standing on all four feet. Come up along side it, so you're both facing
the same direction. Reach down over the cat with the hand that's on the
same side as the cat, and grab it around the side and under the belly.
You're going to want to lift the cat by the belly/chest area, and make
sure it's well balanced front-to-back. As you lift the cat off the
ground,
begin rotating your thumb forward, so the cat rotates its head away
from
you. As the cat reaches shoulder level it will be pointing backwards.
Continue
rotating in the same direction as you lift the cat over your head.
You're
now at one complete revolution of the cat. Continue rotating in the
same
direction as you bring the cat back down. When it touches down, the cat
will have made two complete revolutions and will likely be a bit
confused,
but not run away. So, do it again! It may take a little practice to get
the hang of the arm geometry. Flexibility is important - old, arthritic
people should probably not attempt this. And be careful not to drop the
cat on your head."
41)
CATFLIP
Cat
Games contributor Bob Meador writes: "Find an
unsuspecting
cat sitting facing away from you. It is best if the cat small and is
sitting
upright but reasonably relaxed. A slouching cat may fail at this
exercise.
Approaching the cat from behind, place one hand on each side of its
butt,
with your thumbs pointing down and forward, and your fingers pointing
down
and backwards. In one smooth motion, grab/cup the cat's butt with your
hands, (Editor's note: ewww!), and
quickly rotate your hands up and forward, over and back down again,
keeping
them near the ground. Your hands will have rotated through 360 degrees,
as will the cat, performing a near-instantaneous backflip and landing
in
exactly the same seated position it started from. The cat will likely
be
confused by the impression that a lot seemed to have just happened, yet
here
I am exactly where I was before. It may stick around long
enough
for another flip."
42)
SMEAR THE KITTY
Some
will argue
that this belongs on the Rejected cat games
page, but I think it's just fine right here. I've only played
this
game once and will probably never do so again, but its play cries out
to
be reported. Once upon a time, back when I was in high school, my
stinky little sister had a cat named Sam. Sam, went on to gain
the
distinction of being the mother of my cat Winston Churchill: The
Infinitely
Bad Kitty, but at the time she was still innocent and had not known a
Tom's
touch. Sam was a fairly decent cat as things go, except for her
eternal
fondness for shitting in my bedroom. Technically she was
litter-box
trained, so it wasn't an every day occurrence. On special
occasions,
though, such as days when I left my bedroom door open, she would often
go in and leave me a steaming warm present, usually waaaaaay
back
underneath the bed where we'd have to rearrange all my furniture to get
to it. My sister would come in and do a half-assed job of rubbing
her cat's wittle nosy in the poo as punishment before cleaning
it
up (also half-assed). Days would pass, my door would be left open and the cycle
would
begin anew. Well one day, after finding a paricularly rank pile
of
soft-serve cat crap in my room and being unable to find my sister to
dish
out kitty-punishment, I hit upon a novel idea. I secured
her
cat under one arm and secured a paper towel full of pudding-consistency
poo in the other hand. I then took both into the back yard where
I applied the paper towel to the back of the cat's head, poo-side down,
and smeared the rest of it down her spine all the way to the tip of her
tail. I then deposited the cat in the grass and headed back
inside.
Seemed a fitting punishment, as now the cat had to find a way to clean
all the poo from its hard to reach places, (added irony points for me),
plus she was banned from the house for several days due to being caked
in cat shit. I am happy to report that the punishment worked and
the cat never shit in my room again, though whether this was due to the
punishment itself or the fact that the cat soon began spending months
at
a time on sabatical, only returning twice a year or so to drop a load
of
kittens on us, is still up for debate.
43)
PUPPY PILE ON THE KITTY
Another
of my
sister's cats was a white kitty named Pee Wee. Pee Wee was
something
of a bitch, being fond of clawing kids (i.e. me) when they'd just
barely
begun irritating him using early cat-game prototypes. He was also
fond of indiscriminate cat-shitting in my bedroom. (Are ya seeing
a pattern here?) His punishment was sometimes swift but not
especially
fierce. At the time of this game's inception, our family dog,
Lucy,
had recently given birth to 7 or 8 squirming little puppies. When
the puppies were several weeks old, they discovered the joy of
cats.
They didn't hate cats, mind you. Far from it. They loved
them!
They thought cats were great and rushed over to lick them and squirm
over
them at every chance. I, of course, gave them ample
opportunity.
I'd open the sliding glass back door, deposit Pee Wee on the patio and
yell "Herrrre, puppy, puppy, puppy!" Suddenly, from within the
doghouse
would burst a swarm of puppies, all baloney-breathed and full of manic
licky-dog energy. They'd spy Pee Wee and make for him like he was
a giant Snausage. Even providing for the monochrome
eyesight
of a puppy, a stark white cat against a red brick background doesn't
stand
a chance. So unless Pee Wee was really swift on his feet, he
would
be quickly stampeded by the puppies who would squirm over him and one
another
in an attempt to lick their new favorite friend. It was like
watching
piraña feed. Every now and then, a white paw would extend
from deep within the puppy pile and claw briefly for a hold on the
cement
before being sucked back into the swirling mass. Eventually,
soaked
to the bone in puppy spit, Pee Wee would escape, leap the back fence
and
be free of them for a brief time. Sometimes he would run around
and
take refuge inside the house via a curiously open front door, only to
be
scooped up by a lurking evil child and dumped into the canine maelstrom
once again. (Okay, so I was a little bastard.)
44)
I KNOW WHY THE CAGED KITTY SINGS
This
game does
involve a prop, but it's a completely common and utilitarian prop that
you probably have lying around in your bedroom anyway so you don't have
to deduct points for using it. I'm talking about a laundry
basket.
I find that when I'm doing laundry and have just dumped a load of clean
clothes on the bed, really the most convenient place to store my now
empty
laundry basket is atop a nearby cat. Especially when it's my cat
Winston, cause she hates laundry baskets. I don't know if it's
because
she associates them with the beatings she used to receive after being
caught
pissing on basket after basket of freshly laundered clothing.
Maybe
so. Whatever the case, she don't go for the laundry baskets, so I
put em on her. Inside her cage of green PVC, the little kitty
begins
to whine. The whine becomes a moan. The moan becomes a
wail.
And the wail becomes a song. Warning: Some kitties actually
enjoy playing in laundry baskets, so this may not actually be a proper
torment for them. My cat is about 40 percent crazy to start, so
don't
take her as an example. Test out your cat in private before
committing
to such a torment with witnesses.
45)
DUTCH OVEN
This is
a classic
centuries-old torment for living things in general, but it also works
great
on cats. For those unfamiliar with the Dutch Oven concept,
basically
you have two people in a bed, or one person and one cat. One of
the
people experiences the sudden need for an intestinal vapor release,
(i.e.
a fart). They then shove the other person, or cat, underneath the
covers and hold them there while at the same time opening up the ol'
backdoor
valve (i.e. the cornhole), subjecting the victim to potentially
horrible
methane-based stench from deep within their fundament. This works
even better if you have a cat who actually likes to go under the covers
of its own volition, especially one that likes nothing better than to
snug
down between your legs to sleep. You drop an F-bomb on them there
and you can lift the covers up for a glimpse of one of the most
profound
expressions a cat-face is capable of forming.
46)
CANNIBAL KITTY
This
game is
usually only effective for very small cats, i.e. Kittens, and has a
very
short span of effective play in direct proportion to your kitten's
learning
curve. Kitten's being frisky and playful creatures, you should
get
them good and worked up by playing more traditional cat games with it,
such as chasing cat-toys, or string or even a damn Lazer-Mouse.
(Yes,
I'm advocating using props, but only to further the cause of one of the
most brilliant cat torments you can ever inflict. Deal with
it.)
After your kitten is all hyper and excitable, pick them up and turn
them
on their back. Then, with one arm cradling the cat, use your
other
hand to grab their tail and dangle it in front of their nose. The
kitten, still wound up from chasing and attacking string for the past
ten
minutes, will assume this is another game and will start attacking its
own tail. At first it will probably just bat at it, which will be
merely a curious experience for it. If you're diligent and
patient,
though, the kitten, still in attack mode, will eventually go so far as
to bite the tip of their own tail. If done properly, this will
elicit
a low growl of anger from the cat. It may not even realize what
it
has done and will somehow believe it is being counterattacked by the
dangling
wand of fluff it has between its teeth. It may even bite down
harder,
eliciting an even louder growl. Eventually, your kitten will
learn
a valuable lesson and will no longer bite its own tail no matter how
long
you dangle it. This is natural and a part of life. Enjoy
the
game while it lasts.
47)
WET PUSSY DOUBLE FEATURE
This
isn't so
much a cat game as a chronicle of a cat punishment that got extended to
include other parties. It does involve specific props and acting
like a rage-addled 8-year-old, but it more than makes up for it in
satisfaction.
Back in the day, when I was in college and lived in a house with four
other
guys, my cat Winston was at the height of her infinite badness.
She
and indiscriminate pissing were common partners in crime. One of
her favorite things to do was to piss on piles of clean clothes.
Now, usually she limited her clothes-pile-pissing activities to my
roommate's
clothes. This was because they were constantly leaving baskets of
freshly cleaned clothing out where Winston could get to them and
deposit
suspicious-smelling stains in the middle of them. There were also
certain
patches of carpet that Winston was fond of marking and we had to be on
constant lookout when she was near them. We found the best way to
deter her was to spray her down with a SuperSoaker 250. (You know,
those
big water guns with the air-pressure tank on top that were all the rage
in the early 90s?) They worked great. Usually, we didn't even
have
to spray her, we just had to hold up the gun and shake it a little and
she'd be running away in an instant. I even kept a pistol model,
the SuperSoaker 50, by my bed to take care of noisy cats who dared
disturb
my sleep. Well, one day, I walked into my bedroom to find my cat
sitting atop a pile of my clean clothes having herself a good
wee.
This stupid bitch cat was mere feet away from the litterbox, yet she
was
still pissing on my clothes! I cried out in rage and ran for my
SuperSoaker,
giving the cat time to run past me and down the stairs. I gave
chase
and nearly collided with one of my roommates and his terrible beast of
a girlfriend coming up the stairs. The Beast saw what I was doing
and began to bitch at me for daring to chase my poor innocent
cat.
"Innocent my ass! She pissed on my clothes!" I said. My
roommate,
who had been the recipient of multiple clothes-pissings himself, rolled
his eyes and continued past me. The Beast did not. She
wedged
herself up in my face and continued to berate me, in my own home no
less,
for something that was far from any of her damn business. It's
not
like I was vivisecting the cat; I was just rapidly applying water to it
and I wasn't even doing that because by the time the Beast finally
managed
to shut her gob and go upstairs the cat had long since gone to
ground.
I cussed and fumed to myself, continuing my vengeful search for
Winston,
to no avail. Finally, I put down my gun and sat to watch some
TV.
A few minutes later, my roommate and the Beast came back down on their
way out. "You know, if you changed the litterbox once in a while
your cat wouldn't pee on your clothes," the Beast said. I was
instantly
furious. Normally, the Beast's point would have been
unassailable,
as the litterbox was often filthy to the point of gaining sentience and
demanding voting rights. But that very morning, I had cleaned it
out, removed ALL of the old littler and replaced it with fresh.
That
cat had no excuse and neither did the Beast. How dare
she?!
I snatched up my SuperSoaker, marched out the door and caught them in
my
crosshairs just as they were at my roomate's car. Very carefully,
so as not to get too much water on my roommate, who I liked, I aimed an
arc of water from the soaker over his head and onto the Beast's.
Slowly she turned, shock, fury and general unsavoriness competing for
floorspace
in her eyes. I continued spraying her until my air tank was
spent,
then fled into the house like a coward and locked the door behind me
before
the well-moistened Beast could leap and rend me to shreds. I'd
been
wanting to do something like that to her for months. Was it
mature
of me? Hell no. Was I in dutch with my roommate for a
while?
Not too long and I did apologize to him for mistreating one of his
guests.
Did I actually regret it? Not one whit. Did my roommate
eventually
kick that bitch to the curb and go on to marry one of the best possible
women on the planet? Yes, he did! And whether it's true or
not, I'd like to think my grand defeat of the terrible Beast had
something
to do with it.
48)
WET PUSSY TRIPLE FEATURE
This,
however,
is the chronicle of a cat torment as well as a story of more
indiscriminate
pissing. Shortly after I moved out of the house listed in the
previous
cat game, I found myself living back at my dad's house. At almost
the same time, his new bride, my stepmother, moved into the house as
well.
My sister was already there. Each of us had a cat and each of our
cats was used to being the Alpha Kitty in their respective abodes prior
to being thrown together. These cats were also all siblings,
making
the struggle for family power all the more volatile, leading them to
launch
Cat Piss War `94. Territory, according to the cats, must be
secured
and well-marked and anyone else's piss markings must be covered
up.
This was a war that eventually ruined all the carpet and lead to a
massive
and expensive renovation of the floors. For a while these cats
developed
a passion for pissing on the front door. This is bad enough, but
it was also near my room and was my primary entrance to the house and I
was the guy always trodding through it barefoot. I decided to put
a stop to it. The trouble was, I couldn't exactly punish the cats
for pissing on the door if I didn't catch them doing it. The piss
could always be blamed on another cat. Then, one night while
typing
away on my computer, I heard the distinct sound of urine flowing
against
a wooden door. Popping up from my desk, I spied my cat Winston,
letting
fly on the door, still in mid-stream. I roared triumphantly and
snatched
her up. I then carted her to the bathroom where I ran her body
under
the bathtub tap, soaking her thoroughly before marching back to hurl
her
out the door and into the winter cold. (And before you whine and
fire up your WebTV e-mail, it's Mississippi. It ain't THAT
cold.)
When I reached the door, though, who who should I spy pissing on it but
my sister's cat Cleo. Again, I roared with rage, snatching Cleo
up,
not even pausing to dump Winston out the door, but dragging both of
them
to the bathtub for a good soaking. Two sopping cats in hand, I
was
headed to hurl them into the cold again when who should I see pissing
over
the already twice-pissed door but Lucien, my step-mother's cat. I
then had to hurl the first two cats into the cold and then hunt down
Lucien
and give him the same treatment. Soon after this, all the cats
were
put on Valium to make them more docile and less apt to urinary
impressions
of a lawn sprinkler.
49) PAVLOV'S
KITTY
Cat
owners who enjoy the taste of canned tuna fish know well that as soon
as the
first incision is made by a can-opener into the lid of a tuna can,
their cat
will magically appear underfoot and begin a loud and unseemly session
of
begging. In the face of an open can of
tuna, cats lose both self-control and self-respect.
The click of metal piercing metal is enough
to rouse them from a dead sleep and cause them to nearly kill
themselves racing
toward the kitchen to beg. Owners have
tried various methods to counteract this, such as not using electric
can
openers, only opening cans while loudly running water in the sink or
singing to drown out the noise,
but all for naught. Cats always know and
always appear. Fortunately, this
Pavlovian reaction offers a beautiful avenue for playing havoc with
their
little kitty minds. The theorem runs as
follows: kitties appear at the sound of a
can being
opened; kitties assume any can being opened is filled with tuna fish;
the
sound of a
can of tuna being opened is indistinguishable from that of, say, a can
of great northern
beans; kitties don’t like great northern beans and become
incredibly
confused when
offered
a freshly opened can full of them; therefore if you open a can of great northern beans,
your cat will both instantly appear, beg for those great northern beans as though
their life
depended on it and then become entertainingly confused and angry when
they
receive
that for which they have technically been begging.
50)
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO HIDE FROM MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON?
Western Civilization has
become quite adept at using technology to make lives easier. Why,
therefore, should we not extend this to
the field of chasing our cats? Oh, sure,
you could buy a radio controlled car and race it after kitty, but that
would be
expensive, not to mention only fun until the batteries ran out or the
kitty
found somewhere good to hide. A more
cost-effective, low-tech and yet elegant approach can be found in the
application of a simple Mylar balloon.
Mylar balloons are cheap, widely available and may be inflated with
helium to take on large looming shapes—say, the
shape is a large, metallic pink, heart-shaped
Valentine's Day balloon with four smaller balloon sub-sections of
decreasing size trailing off of one end of it, just as an
example.
Kitties are naturally suspicious of large, looming, metallic pink
shapes.
Therefore, when tied securely around the
midriff of a kitty, using a sock as an anchor for the plastic clip that
came with the Valentine's Day balloon, your helium inflated balloon
becomes a
self-sustaining source
of
merriment for everyone. Well, except the kitty.
Kitty reaction to large floating things looming over them and following
their every move can
range anywhere from cautious curiosity to abject terror. Cats of
strong constitution may be unafraid,
as they will realize the balloon isn’t hurting them. They may
simply sit down and wait for someone
to untie them. Wussy cats, however, will
completely and entertainingly lose their shit and go tearing through
the house
in search of refuge, the balloon monster nipping at their heels.
Never mind that their pursuer could be
destroyed with one swipe of a claw, the cat will flee in terror anyway
and may,
in fact, piss themselves. For this
reason, the game is inadvisable and should only be attempted by sad,
pathetic
souls.
51) THE REVERSAL LION'S MOUTH
Cat
Games contributor Russell Vaughn writes: This is similar to Taste
the Kitty's Ear but not entirely. What you do is set the
kitty in
front of you, stare at it, then lean in as if to kiss the cat but open
your mouth wide putting as much of the cats face in your mouth as you
can. Depending on the size of your cat and your mouth, this may
not be very much--perhaps the mouth nose whiskers up to the eyes.
But the shocked expression on the cat's face as you appear to be about
to take a bite out of it's noggin is entertaining. This game works
very well on kittens, but they don't seem to mind much as they spend
much of their time with their heads and necks in their mom's
mouth. And, as you cautioned
earlier, no tongue please.
52) TAIL SPIN
Cat
Games contributor Russell Vaughn writes: This cat game is much
like Spin the Kitty, but
imagine spin the kitty being a manuel
shift car and "Tail Spin" being an automatic. First grab your
kitty and a piece of string or yarn, not too long maybe the length of
your cat's tail. Then tie the string to the tip of your cat's tail—not
so tight that it cuts off circulation, but tight enough to stay on.
Second set cat on the floor, preferably uncarpeted but do what you have
to. The cat should get to work running around trying to get the
string until it is too dizzy to run around in the whirl wind any
longer. (Note you may have to point out to the cat that there is
a sting on it's tail. Though it occurs rarely, some
less-attentive cats do fail to notice.)
53) SCHRÖDINGER’S
CAT
This is perhaps the most prop-intensive cat
game on the whole list. Also, it's not so much a cat game as a
clever demonstration of theoretical quantum law. For this
game you shall need a sound proof steel box, a vial of hydrocyanic acid (or whatever poison-gas producing
substance you can find available at the local health-food store), a
complicated mechanical rig featuring
a hammer on a trip-switch, a
very small amount of a radioactive substance—say, a DVD copy of Gigli—and your
cat. Place the cat within the steel box,
along with the trip-switch hammer rig, the vial of hydrocyanic acid and
the
copy of Gigli. Seal the
sound proof
steel box. The theory goes, as proposed
by Erwin Schrödinger in 1935, that if even a single atom of
Gigli decays
during the test period, the relay mechanism within the hammer rig will
sense
it, causing it to trip the switch that allows the hammer to fall upon
the vial
of hydrocyanic acid, the fumes of which will kill your cat.
However, since this experiment takes place within a
steel box, no observer will be able to know whether or not an atom of
Gigli has
decayed, causing the death of your cat.
Since we cannot know, your cat is both dead and alive according to
quantum law and is therefore in a superposition of states. It is
only
when you break open the box and learn the condition of your cat that
the
superposition is
lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This is
often
called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox.
Alternately, you could just let your cat
watch Gigli and you would
have the same odds of such a lethal effect.
54) WHEELBARROW
Cat
Games contributor Michael J. Fritzius writes: "Grab a cat's butt off
the floor by it's tail and start walking. The cat will have to keep up with
its front feet to keep from tumbling. Good times."
EPILOGUE
Take
a moment, if you will, to reflect on the following suggestion: The next
time you're at the Zoo, go hang out by the cat cages and quietly ponder
to yourself just how great it would be if you could play a nice game of
Lion-Butt-Bongo. Sure, you'd be torn to shreds in a matter of minutes,
but for that split second between the time the lion realizes you're
bongoing
his butt and the time he knocks your head off, you would feel such a
complete
sense of satisfaction that it just might be worth it. Hell, the
expression
of utter shock and amazement on the lion's face would be well worth
your
effort. That's how I wanna go out.
And
now,
just to be even more crude, we present...
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