Like corpses in da East Riva, weddings is a fact'a life.  An one of your highest priorities whilst you's is plannin' da blessed event should be the hirin' of good people ta help make da ceremony run as smoovely as possible and that, God forbid, no one should haveta get hurt.  Dis is why we of da Usha's Union strongly suggest dat you employ da fine memba's of our organization ta assist you durin' da blessed event. 

     It is da stated intention of all paid memba's of da Usha's Union dat da safe transportation from door ta seat of all attendin' fambly memba's an' guests is insured at your wedding.  Paid memba's of da Usha's Union are der to see dat ders no fuss or muss and ta prevent da occasional unfortunate accident dat might uddarwise disturb da nuptual ceremony.  In retoin, we ask dat da memba's of da Usha's Union should be paid handsomely f' da services dat dey renda.  We feel it is well worth da peace of mind dat comes only from a job done well by true paid professionals.

     Unfortunately, der is a growing ugly trend amongst da soon-to-be married whereby professional ushas, (such as dose found in da Usha's Union,) are foregone in favor of non-union, unpaid, volunteer ushas, (often from amongst da friends and fambly memba's of da happy couple.)  We at da Usha's Union have taken dis inta consideration and have adapted our professional policies ta suit da afordability needs of da cash-conscious engaged.  However, we have taken it upon ourselves ta draw up a list'a rules, regulations and guidlines ta help insure dat our unpaid volunteah memba's rights are not infringed upon and ta insure dat dey has a good time whilst servin' as unpaid volunteahs at da wedding.  We reccomend dat you's read da followin'.
 

Unpaid volunteah memba's of da Usha's Union reserve da followin' rights:

• Da right to ush at your wedding irregardless of whether or not dey've been invited ta do so.
• Da right ta refuse ta begin the ushing process, seating friends and fambly memba's,  until ten minutes before da actual vows begin. 
• Da right ta cough loudly an' insist on being tipped by the guests after dey are successfully seated. 
• Da right ta hold a loud game of craps in da back of da church durin' da processional.
• Da right ta hit on or otherwise harrass any and all available or unavailable bride's maids, guests or passersby before, during and after the festivities.
• Da right ta smoke bad cigars during da ceremony, especially around elderly and easily offendable guests.
• Da right ta make up off-color lyrics to da wedding march an' sing em loudly truout da ceremony.
• Da right ta punch full inna face exactly one memba of eida da bride or da groom's fambly durin', before, or afta da ceremony, f' no particula reason.
• Da right ta first dibs on all food, booze and maritial privilages with the bride during the reception.

     You's has been warned.
 

  --Jimmy "No Pinkies" Moreno
 
 
 
 

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