FOOD: Tuna Bombay

Tuna Bombay
by A. Fritzius

EDITOR'S NOTE: This dish was taught to me by my Hot Chili Mama, i.e. wife, back before she was even my girlfriend. In fact, this was one of the earliest dishes she used to lure me into her apartment so as to observe me and determine just what kind of goober I really am and whether she wanted anything further to do with me. Evidently I passed.

Also, this recipe is a bit more complicated than most of the other dishes on the page and is also one of the only ones here that doesn't call for a microwave. No one is forcing you to make it, so quit yer whining. If you wanna go and not make this dish then you're the one who'll be missing out on some fine eatin'. Now shut up!

INGREDIENTS:

1 or 2 cans of grated tuna, drained
1 onion
1/4 t. turmeric
1/2 t. garlic
1/2 t. ginger (grated root or powder)
1 chopped tomato (or canned equivalent)
3/4 t. cumin
3/4 t. coriander
3/4 t. chili powder
Salt (to taste)
Lemon juice (a dash)
Vegetables of your choice (broccoli, peas, carrots, squash, etc.)
1 and 1/2 cups of cooked rice

PROCEDURE:

First, start cooking some rice. One and a half cups should do it, but you might want more or less depending on your carbohydrate consumption needs. Next, chop some onions and then sauté them in olive oil and the 1/4 t. of turmeric. The turmeric will turn the onion and oil quite yellow and will give a baby-crap yellow tint to everything that is put into the pan with it. (Warning: Avoid getting any of the turmeric oil on you or your clothing. It will stain you or your clothing baby-crap yellow and won't wash off any time soon.) Add the chopped tomato to simmer with your onion. Next add the ginger, garlic, cumin, coriander and chili powder and stir it all up real good. Veggies are next. I find the frozen stir-fry packs to be helpful for this, or, if you must, you can actually buy actual vegetables and chop em yourself. Sauté further. Lastly, add your can of tuna (being careful to open it with the kitchen faucet on full blast so as to avoid beggar cats.) Stir all this up til it's all nice and yellowy. Leave it to sauté, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables begin to lightly stick to the bottom of the pan. Salt and pepper to taste.

Put the contents of the pan atop rice, or put the rice atop the pan stuff. Matters not. I find the recipe goes really well with cheesy crackers--but then again, what doesn't?

WARNING: The original version of this particular recipe, as passed down by my Hot Chili Mama, advised garnishing this dish with some cilantro. Since it is of Indian origin, this is to be expected. However, I am now here to tell you that this practice is in no way, I repeat, no way, advisable. Cilantro, otherwise known as the demon weed, is truly repulsive stuff. I don't know how the Indians stand it, but it has now officialy made it onto my list of food items I truly hate with every fiber of my being. I would like to take this occasion to announce the formation of the the Cilantro Defamation League, of which I am president for life, and/or until I get over it. Cilantro is evil. It is foul. If I hear of you putting any into your Tuna Bombay I will come to your house and render unto your ass a soapy frog. Don't do it! Don't even think about it! If you have cilantro in your house currently, dispose of it. Burn it. It is e-vil. You have been warned.